Thursday, December 06, 2007

Franch Beauty Secrets 101

Since I know you have come to trust this blog to inform you of all the latest and greatest in beauty tips, here you go: Franch Beauty Secrets 101. Even a Franch girl knows a thing or two about maintaining a lovely visage. Here is everything you need to know to look good, Franch-style.

Make sure to shower after helping brand cattle. While eau de burnt hide may be popular in some cultures, ours ain’t one of them. This scent is similar to cigarette smoke in that it leeches into every pore of you body, so scrub up!

When burning ditches with you new boyfriend, don’t trust that he will notice that you beautiful face is coated in dirt and grime. Enough dirt and grime to etch ‘wash me’ into your forehead. It’s not exactly professional to show up to your day job looking like you just finished taking a dirt bath.

Familiarize yourself with the construction of a French braid. This versatile hairstyle may not be all that in-style, but it keeps your hair in one place and out of your face. It is also the perfect hairstyle for camping. French braid your hair while it is still wet. It will dry nicely in the shape of the braid and the next morning, all you have to do is re-braid it or, if your lucky, you won’t have to do anything. That will give you time to worry more about the large rodents that were trying to break into your tent the night before.

Long fingernails are not very practical. Unless you want to spend every evening picking manure out from under your nails and replacing broken ones, don’t bother.

And last but not least, the beauty secret you are all clamoring for: the secret to nice skin. First, let me ask you: What do a college girl, a beautician and a rancher have in common? If you guessed Utter Butter, you are correct! This stuff is excellent for skin, hands and udders of all kinds. It can be purchased at your local farm supply, or on the internet if you don’t happen to have a farm supply at your disposal. It looks like this, and even provides you with all the frost protection you'll ever need:

Bonus Beauty Secret: This is not to be confused with Bag Balm, also made for those of the bovine persuasion, which is excellent for chapped skin, especially feet. It looks like this:

1 comment:

Jules said...

I think Jacob is a size 5 or 6 for boots. We're going to target tonight so we'll probably pick some up then but thanks.