James Commentary

What can I entertain myself with?

I can't find my light-up shoes!!! They are stashed away somewhere.

I love you so much Mommy. I think about you all the time and I dream of you at night. I don't want to come attached to you. I love you.

When is this stinkin' snow gonna melt??? And how long til yard sales?

I want you to buy me some jealous shoes. (jelly shoes)

You don't have a sense of humor, Katie.

James: Mom, sin rhymes with umbrella.

Me: Sin rhymes with umbrella?!?!

James: Sort of!

I don't want to look like a freak out in public. (at the thought of wearing his footie pajamas on his bike ride...which, incidentally, he did anyway)

This is gonna be brutal!! (riding his bike up a hill)

If anyone wants a napkin, just holler! (Napkins are Katie's job and she takes it very seriously)

Katie, you are such a napkin fanatic.

Yep, I am a napkin fanatic. You're exactly right!

We're going there when the house runs out of batteries. (translated: when the power goes out)

I'm big and strong, mighty as a man!!

I don't like cheese sticks because they are too cheesy.

Can I interest you in some crackers?

Let's have a tea party. I have all the materials.

I don't have testicles, I have ankles.

You will be so aprised!! (surprised)

I want to eat all of the chocolates without getting into trouble.

I was thinking we could snuggle with each-udder.

The problem is, Mom.....

That's what it says. It says 'weed my wips!!!'

Tuck me in as a sandwich, not as a burrito.

(The hair clippers) are nibbling into my skin.

I'm folding up my sweater to protect me from the raindrops that are falling on me. (She was inside)

I picked Booty and the Beast. That's all.

I am all out of buzzards. I have no more.

Me: James, what did the wise men bring to baby Jesus?

James: Gold and pheasants and perfume. (pheasants = frankincense)

Daddy, for halloween I am going to dress you up as a glue stick, and Tyler's gonna be a rhubarb plant.

Katie, when you grow up your beepers will turn into boobs.

You're brilliant, Mom!!!

Katie is so outrageous.

Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear. Fuzzy Wuzzy had no arms.

There's this really expensive toy I want to buy. Its at the Dollar Store.

My weft patella is hair-ting. My bones need a drink.

(to Katie): Do you ever run out of questions?

My right eye is hurting me. Mommy, which one is my right eye?

I'm more experienced than you. (to Katie)

Your father is a menace! (to Tyler, in the mall....much to the amusement of other shoppers)

Look, Mommy, I drew a rainboat! (rainbow)

I'm done with my attitude now.

(telling the Christmas story): And the angels came and talked to the Amish, and they were scared!

Mom, you forgot the high fructose corn buns.

(after I explained the various stages of education to him): I'm just gonna go to Kindergarten and College. I'm not going to do the rest.

Everyone is pretty weird except for my Grandma, Grandma Cheyney.

Mommy, I am not focusing. (while she was messing around when she was supposed to be eating)

Mom, when are you going to get a mullet?

I was going to say the word 'fart,' but I didn't.

I like Eric. He is right up my funny alley.

K: Mommy, James left his pee in the twa-let!!

Me: Well, its not a big deal.

K: But I do NOT want to pee on his pee!!

Katie, I am infinitely stronger than you.

Katie, lets go find your secret stash!

(after finding said stash of who-knows-what) Mommy, we found my secret mustache!

I'm playing so hard its not even funny.

Just for kicks, Jeffrey!

The fingernail moon is up!

Mom, Daddy is more funner than you. You are a little bit fun, but Daddy is a lot fun. (Gee, thanks! He also told me that Daddy's stories are better than mine)

Dear God, Thank you for (a whole list of things), and thank you that there's no skeletons in heaven, because everything there is beautiful and there is lots of gold stuff there too. Amen.

James: Why do teenagers wear those things on their teeth?

Me: What things?

James: The sparkles and the fishing string.

Me: Those are braces, James.

Wee-duce, we-cylce, can you say that with me? WEE-DUCE, WEEEEE-CYCLE! (talking to herself during naptime)

Absowootwee not! (to Tyler) Mom!! Tyler is fishing his hands in the twa-wet! (toilet)

Mommy, why do people always tell you that you have your hands full?

You're smooshing my arm-ankle! (shoulder)

Does Mommy have a shoulder? Does Daddy?

Me: Yes, everyone has shoulders.

Katie: Even God?!?

I'm gonna cover my eyes with this (blanket) so I don't have to look at the dark.

You're such a pickle fiend, Katie.

Yeah, and you are a pickle fiend because you always eat lots of pumpkins.

Wow, that is rank! (Speaking of Tyler's diaper)

When we're ready to junk our swing set, Daddy and I can use a saw to make a fireman's pole from it and put it in our tree so I can slide down.

I don't match your footies. I match my own footies.

We need to leave Tyler somewhere and go rent a boat. Its really expensive, like FOURTEEN dollars!! Whoa!!!

Do you like this, James?

No, I don't like it. Its pretty. Boys don't like pretty things, they like nasty things.

Now I am big, because I can carry a pumpkin!!!!

I hate this nice weather! Its not nice!

Katie: I want boobs and a bwa.

Me: (momentarily freaking out that she is already thinking about this stuff) Why?

Katie: So I can feed my babies.

I just put on my brake-is!!! (she was running and stopped suddenly)

Did you ever falled into the toilet and need a rescue squad?

These ants are crawling all over me. They think I am a play park.

I'm not dunna do it! Nev-air, ev-air, nev-AIR!!!!

I'm going on a business trip to see baby Mando!

Katie, you don't look respectable!

Noooooo! I don't want Daddy to go! He's gonna leave me hear with Mommy.

(after asking me a million questions and rambling on and on while in the car): I need to mind my own business!

Me: Katie, what do you want to be when you grow up?

Katie: (without skipping a beat) A mushroom!!!

I am ginormous-er than you, Katie, but I am still a little boy.

But I can't know that. (She always says can't instead of don't)

I will not do that, NEV-AIR!

While I was explaining the answer to his 239th question of the day: Mom, can you stop talking, I need a break. (That's exactly how I feel about the questions!)

Waking in the middle of the night, James walked out of his room and said: I haven't seen those possums in a long time, Mommy. Where are they?

My Popsicle is cold!!! I need you to warm it up.

These are for 'twafts' (crafts), not for playing ball! (Talking about the million little scraps of paper she cut up)

Do you want a piece of me? I don't think so!

My fingers are starting to melt, I am drawing so fast!!

You know those things that have the things on them?

If you smell my arm five times you will smell the donut holes I had.

Do they make walnuts into golf balls?

Katie, you be the rain, I'll be the thunder. (while jumping on our bed)

I'm dunna preee-tect you in tase you are scared of da' tund-air! (thunder)

I told you once. I told you a million times. Its that girl who smokes cigarettes in her driveway, all the time!

Can you sing me a song? That will make me feel better. I want Amazing Dwace.

I do not need to go potty. I went last week.

(Playing in the 'nest' they built out of tree branches): Katie, you sit here and hatch out some eggs. I'll go hunt for worms.

I'm hurting.

I'll go get Mama to fix you up!

I'm dunna come wif you, in tase I want a Mommy.

I don't like that, bee-tuz I hate that, bee-tuz I don't like that!

Did Tyler super-smirch himself? (He likes to use the word 'besmirch' when Tyler fills his diaper)

My cereal has too many holes in it! Too many stinkin' holes! (She was eating oatmeal, by the way)

Can we did a big, deep hole, fill it with water and make one of these? (A water wheel)

Mommy, um, I feel sea sick.

My coughs are all gone. They're in the trash.

Daddy, I need some wood. We need to build something.

Jeff: What do we need wood for?

I need to build legs for my horse, so I don't have to walk. (talking about his stick horse)

You got sour pweem on you, Chief! (To James)

Hey, Aunt Megan! Will you sing me a song?

They shouldn't have made all these stinkin' hills. (pushing his bike up yet another hill in our neighborhood)

(about Uncle Phil): He's my fav-wit animal!

Why do the pigs need those gutters?

Me: Gutters?

Yeah, what do they do with them?

(Then I realized he meant udders)

Mommy, people are different colors, and they talk different, and they are all different, and they even have different poops.

Mommy, you did a good job on this oatmeal. Its awfully good!

Mommy, this oatmeal is AWFUL!

No, Katie, its awfully GOOD! Say thank you to Mommy.

Thanks, Mommy!

(When Katie didn't want to eat her food) As Uncle Phil says, Katie, Its good and good for you.

Close your eyes and look at me!

When I get to heaven I'm gonna tell Jesus a joke. And I'll tell Grandpa a joke. Grandpa likes jokes!

(building blocks with Jeff) Katie, you can't help! Daddy and I are engineers. You aren't anything!

After meeting one of Grandma's neighbors, she said 'Goodbye, kids' and Katie, as she was walking away, turned back and yelled 'Peace!'

Wanna get smashed by a blueberry meteor?

I don't think so, Katie Grace!

Stop trying to be a snifflegun.

Mommy, Tyler is my sunshine.

Keep this paws off my paintbrush! (She always says 'this' instead of 'your')

You need to find something suitable for Katie to wear to church.

You are out of wuck!

No way Hosanna!! (Her take on 'No way, Jose!')

No, Katie, I don't want to share!

Sharing is caring, James!

Woo! How-ee bunch! (I think she meant whole bunch)

No offense to Katie but I do not like Katie's attitude today!

Mommy, you need to go to college.

I will share my tookie wif mines self. (I will share my cookie with myself)

I was upset be-tuz I had an ant on mines finger!

Mommy, when I grow up, I'm going to be a farmer, and a firefighter, and an airplane driver, and a missionary, and a pilot and a pirate, and a footprint explorer.

Mommy, I will save you!

Yeah, Katie, if anyone tries to get Mommy you beat 'em up!

I hate shorts. They look like human beans.

Mommy, when Tyler grows up are your boobs gonna fall off? (long pause) I'm just playing a joke on you. Joke's on Meg

an!!!

(in a very pathetic, but angry voice while in time-out): I'm NOT taking a time out; I'm just chillin'!

That jet needs to clean up his mess!! (seeing the jet's trail)

I'm too freshious! (precious)

(looking outside): I want the sun to come in a see me.

Ho-wee Mack-well!!! I want this one!

I'm going to let you eat the bugs that I catch....to gross you out!

James: I don't like girls with curly hair.

Me: So you don't like me?

James: No, the hair that goes like this! (Makes strange gestures)

Me: So, do you like Katie's kind of hair, or Mommy's kind of hair?

James: I'm not going to say.

I'm NOT watching wilderness a-din!!!!! Bee-tuz I want to watch Bob and Wa-wee!

Mommy, what’s wrong with you? You’re flying along like no one’s business!

Next time you’re in the boys’ bathroom you gotta check out the toilets they have in there! They look like sinks and you’re supposed to pee in them!!! It’s hilarious!

I don’t like caterpillars anymore bee-tuz they’re nasty.

Get that stinking bug out of our house!!

My preference for pooping is to go slow.

Were you bonkin' your honker? (he was asking me if I was honking my horn)

I was really quiet while you were in the shower. Why I was quiet was because my mouth didn't even talk.

I'm weawwy mad at you. (because she didn't want to each her lunch)

I just saw two pieces of geese!

I saw a dog out my window, and the surface of him was black with white spots on him.

Sing me 'When Mine Ears Fall Off' (the song: do your ears hang low, do they wobble to and fro...)

Both kids (singing): Somebody call 9-1-1, Shorty's on fire on the dance floor! (Jeff played this song for us once and a)it is incredible S-T-U-P-I-D, and b) that line really stuck with us

That dog scared the pants off me so I'm going to bark at him.

You like this belly button? I made it in the sewing room.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, eating her turds and pants.

Get this hands off mine baby brother! (while she was holding Tyler, and I was helping)

James: Mommy, Waldo is hanging out with three luscious babes. That's what Daddy calls them. (giggling)
Me: Oh, yeah? (laughing really hard) What are luscious babes?
James: They're the roommates, the kind of peoples that don't have any feet and swim under the water!
Me: (laughing really, really hard) Can you show me a picture of these roommates with no feet?
James: Yeah! (brings me a picture of MERMAIDS!)
Me: (I laughed so hard I cried:)

You gotta move. You're taking up my space.

A man's gotta have his beans.

Mommy, the battery ran out. (after hearing the washing machine stop spinning)

I dunna carry it under mine armpits.

I love you so much...I think you are the best person there is...Mommy, do you want to talk about the United States of America?

What in the world tarnation?

I have a present for you. You can't look at it. Its dangerous.

Katie, you can't play with those! They're choking hazards!
No, they're not choking hazards!!!

What are boobs called?
Me: Breasts
Hey, that rhymes with chicken breasts!!!

Stop (singing)! I'm on the phone! (puts her hand up to her ear)

Tyler, I made you a nuclear plant! (out of blocks)

(while getting dressed up as a farmer): I'm making myself handsome, Mommy!

I'm doing my ninja skeels. (skills)

Why you putting bomb on me? (udder balm)

Katie, you can't have those! They're choking hazards!

I'm using my ninja skills on this bad boy. (trying to slide the dresser across the floor)

Hoo, hoo, ha, ha, monkeys are my friends because they're always hilarious.

How 'bout you wear your jammies all day? Is that OK with yourself?

You gave me an awful lot of this.

Mama, did this (soy milk) come from a soy cow?

Remember that little unicul cord we couldn't touch when Tyler was a baby?

Its my nappas, its my nappas (while 'snapping' her little fingers)

I'm a farmer.
Me: What do you grow on your farm?
Treats!
I'm gonna grow air conditioners on my farm!

I'm hungry.
Me: Do you want a tangerine?
No.
Me: Do you want an apricot bar?
No. I want a rubber band. Can you get me one?

Daddy's behind is yucky. (I am pretty darn sure she meant stinky)

It's stinkin' cold outside.

Next time you need to get sticky cheese so it can stick to my burritos.

Mommy, (in time out for interrupting), I like talking in general.

And I was like 'crud!'

Want pokey spoon (fork)

Nose-stache! (Holding an orange segment below her nose)

I did it all by self!

When I was a little girl I used to shoot buzzards.

Humpty Dumpty was very breakable.

You're the greatest Mommy EVER! (Just melt my heart, why don't ya?)

B, L, E, Bible! (singing the B-I-B-L-E)

Katie: (giving Tyler lots of kisses)
Me: Can I have a kiss?
Katie: ONE!! (Pointing one little finger at me) Mmmmmmuah!
Me: Thank you!
Katie: One more! (again with the finger pointing) Mmmuah!
Me: Thanks! I love kisses.
Katie: One more! Mmmmmmmuah! (then points to me) No more kisses!!!!

'....and all that jazz.' (I can't remember the context, but he used this phrase correctly in a sentence)

Keep your grubby hands off me!

James: There was a mouse scratching at my window last night, and it woke me up.
Jeff: Did you let him in?
James: No, I didn't because mice poop all over the place. He was looking for cheese. Mices like pizza because it is cheese.

I'm scared 'cause there a rat bonking on my window. (It was raining)

Cock-a-doo-doo, cock-a-doo-doo!

Shake your booty, shake your booty, shake your booty....


Me: I love you, James!
James: I wuv you too.
Me: I love you very, very much!
James: Yeah, and I want a sling shot.

I want to be Goliath for Halloween. And I want to be Goliath with roller skates.

If Uncle Nate calls me Jimmy-Jammer again I am going to back off of him and go outside.

Katie, you're a motor skill.

I don't want them (Auntie Rach and Uncle Phil) to go to Texas. We're gonna get Texas gone so they can't go there anymore.

J: I don't like time-outs.
Me: Well, I don't know what to tell you.
J: Don't do it again! That's what you tell me.

Me: What's your name?
K: Pookey! (Her way of saying pokey)

I'm starting to nuzzle, because I can't find my stickers.

I keep my phone by my bed and sometimes my friends call and harass me when I'm sleeping.

I'm happily ever eating my orange!

I kept this feather for you so you so you can sew something with it.

Can birds fly after their feather falls off? (Yes) Oh, I didn't know that!

I don't like my buzzards. They stink.

You can shoot one of my pigs when I'm bigger, and I will take all the bones out of it and the eyeballs.

When I grow up I'm gonna be a missionary and a 'struction man and a farmer.

Oh sakes a-wive, I gotta go poop!

That was an old fashioned trick, Mom.

James did it. (How do they figure this out so young???)

Me: What does it smell like? (a pineapple)
James: It smells like itself! (looking at me like, duh, Mom)

Uncle Phil is my big sister. (long pause) No, he's my big ol' **fart noise** Uncle. He put Tyler on my head to shoot buzzards on my head.***hysterical giggles****

Con-Rachel, you are too smart for me.

Mommy, swacker starts with Texas.

Winkle, winkle star now

There was a fly and he laid down to take a rest and I just smacked him and he got dead!

You're the bestest wady I've ever seen!


Auntie Rach and Uncle Phil's car is real sturdy. Its in pretty decent shape. They have old fashioned windows like our air conditioning in our truck. (P&R have the kind of windows you actually have to roll down yourself, and we have no air in the truck so I tell him that our AC is when we roll down the windows)

Doot, doot! (calling Tyler 'dude')

Tyler sneezed and James put his hand on Tyler's head and said 'Bwess you, my son'

Daddy left his tools in my room. I was good. I didn't touch them. I didn't even poke my eye out with a screwdriver or an allen wrench!

I and me and you and Katie are gonna go upstairs.

I love you really much, Mama!

I don't want a story from a book, Mama. I want one from your mouth.

I gotta check what the weather is gonna be today.

Coconuts are nasty for me, Mama.

Me: Do you remember that Chappy used to be a pastor?
James: Yeah. Pastors take care of animals. They keep them together and give them grass. (He was thinking of 'pastures')

J: Mommy, why don't we eat at McDonalds?
Me: Because they serve junk food (insert lecture about junk food vs. healthy food here)
J: Are the peoples that work there mean?
Me: No, why?
J: Because they make junk food.
Me: No, they aren't mean. They just sell bad food.
J: I had mean dreams of those people who work there. That's why I get scared and come downstairs in the middle of the night.

J: Mommy, are you old?
Me: What do you think? Am I old?
J: No. You're not old. (thinking....) Chappy's old! And Grammy is old.

Can I look in my mammary box?

I wuv to fe-wo-ship wif my friends at church, Mom. Do you like to ship wif your friends, Katie?

You're a piece of work! (to Katie)

I'm as happy as a dork! (He was going for 'happy as a lark')

Katie, you're having ci-wantro for your birthday dinner!

No way! (Katie's new line...James taught her to say it)



(After dropping the phone while talking to Grammy): Grammy, did you feel like you were going down? Like me dropping the phone?

We used our mou-fiz to pick up our oatmeal.

(to Grammy): Thank you for washing my shirt; it smells like your washing machine.

Rats live in the woods and shoot bears............................just joking.

Mama, you're triffic!!! (terrific)

(to Grammy) You're agontizing me! (antagonizing)

I just got really, really, really, really, really, really (repeat infinitely) hungry.

When confronted about the handful of missing frosting on the cake in the fridge: I got really hungry (in a small, pleading voice) And when I asked when he got into it, he said 'when you went upstairs.' Funny how you don't have to teach them to be bad.

(while standing in the corner) I don't like corners. We need to throw them away.

I love chocolate squirrels.

Ducks have eyes on their beaks. (talking about their nostrils)

Webby has orange flip-flops!!

When I grow up I'm gonna be a farmer and I aren't gonna have chickens, cuz they fly away.

I was sitting with my feet on the coffee table, and James came up, slid a bucket under my legs and turned over another bucket to sit on. When asked what he was doing, he proudly announced 'I'm milking mommy!'

While reading 'Goodnight Moon,' Katie kept saying 'ban-a! ban-a!' When she pointed to the 'banana,' it was really a crescent moon in the window.

Who wet the pants out! Who wet the pants out! (Instead of who let the dogs out)

Stop instigating Tyler, Mommy! (Tyler was crying when I was changing his diaper)

We've had this 'scussion before, Maxwell! I told you! (talking to Maxwell the dog on his toy cell phone)

Looking at sweat beaded up on Jeff's face, Katie pointed and said 'raining! raining!'

I used to be Katie's age, and I used to be Tyler's age, and I used to be Daddy's age.

You're perfect! (to Tyler)

Jesus made poop. (pause) Can you make poop into seltzer water?

(To Jeff): Daddy, did you do drugs at work today?
(And when asked what drugs were, he replied 'Drugs are rugs!')

Me: James, you guys are so cute! I could just eat you and Katie right up!
James: (to Katie) When I am bigger, I will nibble you right up! I will put some jam on you, and lettuce, and eggs on my plate and I will eat you right up!

Does the squirrels give their nuts to people so they can grind them up into peanut butter?

I'm getting so old I can hardly climb the stairs.

James: Mommy, I need you to make me an umbrella.
Me: Well, that's beyond the scope of my expertise.
James: No, you can do it. All you need are some sticks, and a handle and some fabric.

(To Auntie Rachel): Who are you texting?

(TMI Alert!) While sitting on the pot: Did you hear that little talk? It was my poop talking.

Why do farmers paint their corn yellow?

You know what people do with biscuits? They put biscuit seeds in their gardens and grow biscuits!!

Dude, you're droppin' some pounds! (Where on earth did he hear that?!)

I scratched my eye with my foot.

My stomach is telling me 'hey, I'm hungry! I want some food!

Me: James, if we don't get home and eat soon, I am going to have to start gnawing on your arm.
James: (without skipping a beat) No, you can just eat Grammy's arm.

Look! Look! I just saw a redneck bird!! A redneck bird! (I think he saw a cardinal)

Daddy's going to have a heart-tack 'cuz you're wearing capris.

You forget I'm a ninja, Daddy.

Can you make me a smoovie? (smoothie)

See that, Mom? Its a water-squirter. It squirts me in the face. (pointing to my belly button)

I need to go outside so I can enjoy some fresh air. (the boy would live outside if he could)

Don't worry, Mommy. It'll show up some time. (when I was looking for something)

No. I looked it up on the email and the guy told me they don't bite. Its OK. (after I asked him not to play with a millipede since I wasn't sure if they would bite or not)

I used to have a rhubarb farm, for a long time when I was bigger.

(Yells from the bathroom): I'm droppin' a woad! (He did NOT hear that one from me, thank you very much!!!)

Mommy, make up your heckin' darn mind!!!!

Why do they have salad dishes on their roofs?

Rocks are tasty.

There are two Jesus's in my tummy. He catches the food.

Mommy, remember when you used to put eggs in hacky sacks? (huh?)

Mommy, look at this shirt, its two feet wong. (long)

At Erin's house, Maxwell wick-ed (licked) my hand, and he tickled me. He's a twever (clever) dog.

I like spiders. They're my friends. They are good to me. And bugs, and ants, and beetles.

Stopping abruptly after spinning in circles, James shrieked 'No, I don't want the house to spin!!!'

No!! (yelling at the weatherman on TV) I don't want you to make it cold!!!

Katie, I am going to the braf-room and I need pri-ree! (bathroom...privacy)

My swobber makes owies go away. (after kissing a bump on Katie's head...that he put there)

Look at those clouds. They are pretty. They are white. What's that blue stuff up there?

Hey, Cheepa! (slapping on my stomach) Are you sleeping? (turns to me) Cheepa's sleeping, Mom. Cheepa is a ninja.

Why do I have a birthmark? Did you glue it on?

I'm freecycling this.

I'm really smart because I look at spoons and forks.

I like peanuts. I like the peanut butter in them.

Look! I made my little self a tent!

Why is there wetness in my hair? (after taking a shower)

But how will I give our pwants a tiss? (Our seedlings are up high, and he apparently decided that a smootch was necessary)

Mommy, did you have an accident? (when I was changing pants)

Mommy, here you go. Here's some books you can't rip, o-kay? (as he hands me a stack of board books)

Mommy, are you sad be-tuz Daddy's not here? Its o-kay. Its not the end of the world. (for some reason he thought I was sad, he he always gets sad when Jeff leaves for work)

Mommy, I'm off to Harvard (What?! Where does he come up with this stuff!?)

Peanut butter seeds are really yummy to eat!

Thanks for offering, Tay-dee, but I don't need your help.

Mommy, I wuv Cheepa so much!

Put up your gukes! No, put up your boobs! (trying to say 'put up your dukes')

Don't see me, Mommy. (as he was preparing to do something he knew he should not do)

I like roast beef. Its what beavers eat.

I bonked my nubbin. (noggin)

After explaining to James that Katie was going to get a shot at the doctor's office, he looked at me, concerned, and asked 'Do the doctors have guns?'

Self, I am eating oatmeal, self. (then to me) What is self?

After discussing the components of the compost we bought today (manure, AKA poop), James asked me 'Do the horses poop right in the bag?'

James: Mommy, I want a black one, not a white one!
Me: A black what?
James: A microwave. I want a black one.
Me: Well, you better start saving your money.
James: No! You better start saving your money. For a micro-rator.

You're my snuddle-bunny, Mom.

You're tummy is really long, Mom. (How's that for a comment! Try explaining to a three year old that there's a human being crammed in there?!)

Watching Katie and I dancing: That's stan-dulous, Mom. (Sometimes when he passes the gas I tell him 'that was scandalous, James!)

Tay pooped. Tay has smooched herself. (besmirched)

Chwoc-wate chips go in took-ies. That's what this book says, Mom. (reading Nancy Drew intently)

Me: James, can you get me a washcloth?
James: No prwoblem, Megan! (just like Jeff)

That scared all of the jeepers out of me!!!

Hey! Its like snow you can eat! (mashed potatoes)

I need tozy (cozy). (bringing me his jammies)

(in a sad, longing voice): Mommy, I wish I was a tree trimmer. I would love if you got me tree trimmer tools, a pole, a chainsaw....

Mommy, milk comes from here (pointing at the udders on his toy cow), and cheese comes out the cow's mouth!

James: Where does cheese come from?
Me: From milk.
James: Where do peas grow? On a farm?
Me: Yep.
James: Where does pizza grow?

'Don't taze me, bro!' (Jeff often pretends to put James under arrest and says Don't taze me, bro! (use the taser) Apparently it caught on.)

Mommy, you know what you smell like? De-yishious!

Me: James, if you had a dog what would you name him?
James: Ummm, ummm, ummmmmmm....
Me: What would his name be, James?
James: Mommy, we'll think about this later.

Sometimes its hard to twop-er-ate! (cooperate)

James: (to a friend of ours) Read to me!!!
Friend: James, I don't know how to read.
James: (looking at him like 'of course you can read') You just say the words!

Mommy, is my mouth for eating and talking? (While doing both simultaneously)

Mommy, doggies like to ride on vacuum tweaners on their tarpet.

Me: What color is Uncle Phil's hair?
James: Gray
Me: Is Uncle Phil old?
James: Yeah.
Me: Is Uncle Phil old or is he really old?
James: He's really old.
(So maybe I led him into saying that Phil was old, but he came up with the gray hair thing all on his own. He also said that Chappy had purple hair, so I guess his opinion doesn't really count.)

Mommy, 'member dat yellow boon (balloon) we had? I didn't want Daddy to pop it, but he wasn't twoperating. (cooperating) He popped it. Dat's dis-spectful, Mommy. (that's disrespectful)

After having himself a good cry, James came to me and said 'My tears went away, Mommy.'

'Mom, we haven't watched this in years!'

'Mom, I'm dunna teep an eye on you.'

'Eggs are food, Dad.'

'No way, Jose!'

(Watching a blank TV screen) 'I'm watchin' your favorite movie, Marfa Stewart!'

'Speating of...' Yes, James began several of his sentences yesterday with 'speaking of...'

'I need to sing to Trust and Obey, and tell Tay a story, and say Dear Jesus and Amen!' (when I was putting Katie to bed)

(Looking at the cereal box): 'I didn't know bees made Cheerios.'

'Bye, Dad! And don't dit into trouble!' to Jeff as he left for work this morning.

'Cheepa (James' name for the baby) is dancing in your tummy, Mom. She is dancing in her green boots.'

'The forest is made out of wood.'

'Get your lap off of me, Mommy.' (trying to climb out of my lap)

James: Stop it, fire! No more! STOP IT, fire!!! (yelling to his oatmeal)
Me: James, that's steam, not fire.
James: Steam! Go away! Stop it!! No, steam!

James (singing Katie a bedtime song): Trust and obey, for there's no brudder way, and fewoship, and old McDonald had a farm, E-I, E-I, E-I, E-I, the end.

Me: James, is that an orange?
James: No, its a yemontine! (clementine)

James: Mommy, I did not pee! (overnight)
Me: But, James, you have pee in your diaper.
James: But that is just the pee that I peed!

Me: I think our washing machine is on the fritz.
James: How tan you dit the fritz out of there?

'Boobs are normal, Mom.' (ever so matter-of-factly)

'That zebra is Gi-mor-mous! I want one. It can live in our backyard and it will have a rope and I will name it Hashby.'

'There's a piece of hole in my pants! You need tape it shut, O-tay Mommy?! You need fitz it with some tape!'

'Tay's (Katie) sad tuz she's not bigger to play the mouse game.' (Mousetrap)

'Tan we took dis up and eat it for supper?' (Of the pinecone he found outside....can you say FIBER?!)

'Hey!' (picking up his coloring book) 'I found my tal-tu-lus book!"

'Mommy, I yike dis snowman. He's mines. He's not sharp. He's not fragile. He's mines.' (of one of my snowman decorations)

'Daddy tan take dis to da dry teaners on his way back from work.' (of his dirty shirt...we don't ever go to the dry cleaners...where does he come up with this stuff?!)

'I dunna twimb from branch to branch to branch to branch.'

April Fools Day

Today was the big day. Yesterday afternoon our tenant emailed asking for more time. They tried to say that since they didn't move in till mid April that we should give them more time. We said no. They didn't show up for the walk-through, which didn't surprise me at all. Here is the condition the house was in. **Warning! Warning! Warning!*** The pictures are gross, but should you dare look at them, you will feel much better about your own housekeeping skills. These are the before pictures; I can't wait to post the after pictures!

April 1st

Happy Pictures!

Jeff and Katie reading

Jeff's new scarf

Katie crawled up the other night and went to sleep cuddled next to Jeff.

Watching the bird feeder, which has been commandeered by the squirrels

Proselytizing, Bombs and Destruction of Property: Mormon Style

Last night, when we should have been sleeping, we got to reminiscing about our childhood shenanigans. I think it was a nice diversion from thinking about the P.O.D.. Jeff told me a story I only vaguely remember hearing, and I couldn't stop laughing. It revolved around the legendary 'Elder Felt,' a Mormon missionary who set himself to proselytizing Jeff and ended up corrupting him instead. Somewhere during Jeff's high school career, he met up with Elder Felt (or is it Felts?). Soon, Elder Felt was pointing out the finer points of various bomb making techniques, a must-know in order to get into the fifth and tightly guarded level of Mormon heaven. (just kidding, I think) It soon came to pass that Elder Felt needed to take care of some dirty work. Who else would he ask, but his potential convert and willing participant, Jeff. The problem was that Elder Felt's fellow missionary, Elder X, had a tiny little television stowed away in his room. What's the problem, you ask? Well, those pesky little TVs are forbidden for missionaries and Elder Felt had his Jesus Jammies in a bunch about it. He had a plan. When the missionaries went on a trip, Elder Felt would leave the backdoor unlocked and Jeff was to dispatch the TV for him. Jeff, being the cunning little braniac that he is, took the TV apart, cut the main power cord from inside, and burned the end of the cord to create a burned electronic smell. Then he reassembled the TV, and left the incapacitated tool of the Devil for Elder X to discover when he returned. He would be none the wiser, attributing the untimely demise of his TV to the smell of burnt electrical wiring.

Undercover Camera: Rental Edition

We didn't really go undercover, but the tenant wasn't there when we showed the house today so we were free to assess the damage at our leisure. Good thing, because after seeing the house, they would've gotten an earful from me. James asked us if we had fun at the old house. I told him it was not so much like fun, but more like having toothpicks shoved under your fingernails or something. Just for kicks, in case you're interested, here are a few pictures of the pit of despair. Tomorrow, I'll post happy pictures of the fam, because despite the crap going on at the rental house, my kids still make me smile and spring is still coming and there are lots of reasons to be happy. Just don't remind me of the rental house. Oh, and if you want to get the full effect, have your significant other pee on the rug, let it marinate for a day or 6 weeks, then sit there and smell it while watching the slideshow.

Pit of Despair

The Saga of the Rental

Here's the latest on our rental house, commonly referred to as the 'pit of despair.' The tenants want an extra week to clean it up. Uh, no. They did tell us, however, that their rental insurance will pay anything above and beyond the security deposit. That's good, assuming that's the way it works. We will be getting the keys Wednesday morning and will then be free!! Free to find a new tenant. After relisting it last night, we have already had 5 responses, four of which have already scheduled appointments and use complete (for the most part) sentences. And manners. Also, a guy called out of the blue who was referred by a friend (thanks, Cristi!) and he is coming tomorrow as well. This is the most interest we have had in the house so far, so thatat is encouraging. Pray for a tenant! We neeeeeed one. And here are a few of the more interesting emails we have received about the house. I have not edited them. People sure do know how to make an impression. Punctuation: its highly overated.

im interested in talking to someone about renting the property. please call me
(when I called, he answered by saying 'yeah' and then telling me he couldn't talk and hung up. When he called me back in an hour, he had to hang up again because he was getting another call. The third time, I found out he was a bit rude, and then he told me it was outrageous to ask for an additional pet deposit of one month's rent, since he has one or two dogs, a cat and two snakes. He then hung up on me.)

HI MY NAME IS ***** I WAS LOOKIN AT YOUR ADD ABOUT YOUR HOUSE AND I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW IF YOU CAN LET ME KNOW IF I CAN COME BY AND TAKE A LOOK AT THE PROPERTY...IF U LIKE YOU CAN CONTACT ME ***** AFTER 4PM.... THANK YOU

can I see some pictures?

is there a fireplace?

is it OK to install directTV?

can I have the address?

does it have central air?

sorry for all the questions, thanks for your help!

hi do you still have the house for rent and if so can you tell me where in levittown it is and send some pics.thanks

We are looking for house for rent in Levittown.
We are 4 poeple, 2 kids and 2 adults, no pets, no smoking.
If is this house still available, please let me know- I need to know address.

I live in levittown now and would like to see it if we like it are u willing to come down some on the price (this is one of my favorites; like Jeff said, impressive negotiation skilz)

Dirt

We're all itching for spring around here, and the last few days have given us weather in the 50's. Not that warm, but warm enough to go outside and dig in the garden. The kids love to dig. They both have their own little irrigation boots, which they look so cute in. They get their shovels and rakes and go to work. I have no idea what I am going to do when I actually plant something in my garden. We are going to have to designate a digging spot in the yard. James loves to find worms and make them 'houses' to live in (basically, he buries them in little dirt mounds). Katie likes to fish half decomposed remnants out of my compost pile and threaten to eat them. Eeeew! Gotta keep that from happening. I piddle around in my garden, getting things ready for the day it actually warms up for good. My seedlings are growing like crazy, and my garden is entirely planted in my mind. I can't wait. Hooray for a patch of dirt in the backyard!

Kicking the Bucket With Dignity

I realize this may be a strange topic to blog about, but hey! It just goes with my theme. The other day I passed one of those roadside shrines, complete with some sort of festive, but weathered St. Patty's day decor, some faded fake flowers and miscellaneous dilapidated decor. I really can't imagine losing someone close, so I don't know how those families feel. However, let it be known that I would rather not be memorialized with faded fake roses and Valentine's Day hearts. And for God's sake, no pinwheels please. It got me thinking about memorials, and what I'd never want for myself. For example, please never, EVER, remember me by putting my name in large gothic letters across your back windshield with the acronym R.I.P. next to it. Its just not my style. Besides, it seems as though something like that would seriously obstruct your view, and I wouldn't want you rushing yourself to the grave by not being able to see past the RIP letters. Strangely, after having this mini-discussion in my head (with myself, of course), I was flipping through the phone book. What did I see?! I was looking for 'furnace', and found 'funeral'. There was a large ad, highlighting the different funeral packages available, and their cost. Want the whole she-bang? That's gonna set you back, say, $6000. Only a viewing you want? They'll knock a few grand off the price, then cremate you afterward. If all you want is to be turned into dust, then you're in luck. You can get them throw you in the burner for less than a grand. I think its a bit strange to advertise their prices in big letters in the yellow pages. Can you imagine? Someone calls the funeral home, 'Yeah, I'd like to pre-purchase your $3999 special. And can you make sure my old lady buries me with my fishing pole and a bottle of Bud? And make sure it's a bottle, not a can. And don't forget my best flannel shirt. For $3999, I expect to be treated like a king, or at least Dale Earnhart. Oh, and what about that box? Is it pine, or walnut, or what?' And the funeral home would say, 'Well, sir, if you want such special treatment, we're gonna have to up-sell you to our $8999 package. That way we can assure you special treatment you so deserve. We could even assure you that we would play 'Free Bird' at your funeral for that price. We can set that up on a payment plan for you if you'd like.' I'm all for planning ahead, but picking out your funeral package in the yellow pages seems strange.

Now that you've been witness, yet again, to the bizarre ramblings of my brain, I'd like to end by saying, for the record, I am not planning on checking out anytime soon. I just have these strange commentaries that run through my head sometimes. Scary, huh? Pardon me. The doorbell is ringing. They're coming to take me away....


P.S. Its not my fault I have a dimented sense of humor. It runs in the family.

Howz About You Put That Cigarette Out

This weekend was another busy one. Saturday we showed the 'pit of despair' to a few people. Although we'd rather not show it, most people have to give notice and need to be able to make a decision ASAP. So, I met them over there to show them around. The first appointment went well; they seemed intelligent, and interested, but we'll see what happens. You never know. As I was standing out front talking to them, a car looking very similar to this drifted up the street:

Out of the car climbed a woman with teeth similar to these:

Sorry to gross you out. Technically, they were a little bit more disgusting, but I can only wade through so many pages of Google images of 'nasty teeth' before gagging. She climbed out of her tuna boat, lit up a cigarette and asked to see the house. Trying to keep my distance from the smoke, I asked her if she was aware that there was no smoking in the house. She said something along the lines of 'well, that's alright, I'm trying to get everyone to quit smoking in the house anyway, since we're going to have a baby in the house soon.' And everyone knows, second hand smoke is A-OK as long as the baby is still in the hopper. As soon as it comes out, then smoke is bad. Yeah. Anyone heard of second hand smoke? Anyway, we walked toward the house and I felt compelled to make sure she was no longer smoking before taking her in. I know the house is a wreck, but at least they've done their smoking outside. I don't need any more smells to add to the mess. She realized I was making sure she had extinguished her smoke, and she told me she had. I guess she only needed a few quick puffs. I showed her the house, as quickly as I could. Reason A: the house stinks, and its filthy. Reason B: I didn't feel like wasting my time. When we got out, she told me she was definitely interested. Here's the scoop she gave me. (This is why I like to talk to people in person. They divulge way more than they should, which is good for me.)

• The household would include herself, her fiance, her two adults sons, and her son's pregnant girlfriend (and of course, soon to be baby)
  
• The sons, in her words, are not 'really financially stable, especially in this economy'
• She doesn't know what her credit is like; it was 'really bad,' but she has been 'trying to pay her bills' and do better
• She always pays on time...
• Except that her pesky landlord only gives a three-day grace period, and sometimes you don't get paid till the 5th day, so that's when he gets his check, but he always gets it

Way to instill confidence. Tell me that you always pay on time, except that you don't, but its your landlord's fault for only giving you a three day grace period. Mean ol' landlords. I informed her that we have only a three day grace period, and a $50 late fee for payments made after 3 days late. So far, I haven't heard back from her. Hmmm...

When you're Jeff...

When you are Jeff, you don't get embarrassed easily. You don't mind looking like a blooming idiot (in the humble opinion of your wife). You will make bets with your coworkers and vow not to cut your luscious locks for a month and a half. You will then volunteer to shave only the top portion of your luscious locks, creating something of a Friar Tuck look. When you are Jeff, you will go to work looking like this and think its hilarious, not embarrassing. You will ignore your wife's loving statements, such as 'if you want to go to work looking like a complete idiot, that's your own deal.' And if you are Jeff, you will ask your wife to post pictures on the blog for all the world to see. Here you go, honey. I'm sure the world will appreciate it!

Another day with Daddy; this time, he found that the plastic thingy from the collar of a new shirt made excellent children's safety glasses. Next up, power saw lessons!

And for those of you naysayers who say Katie doesn't have enough hair: Behold, the faux hawk.



And here you go. A shot of the baby bump. Growing larger by the day.

Mmmmm....Cookies

Oatmeal Cookies with Dried Cherries and White Chocolate Chips

2 ½ C. flour

1 tsp. EACH, baking powder, baking soda, and ground cinnamon

½ tsp. salt

Combine dry ingredients in large bowl. Set aside.

1 ½ C. butter, softened

1 ½ C. brown sugar, packed

2/3 C. sugar

1 TBS. vanilla

2 eggs

¼ C. milk

In a large mixing bowl, beat butter, sugars and vanilla till creamy. Beat in eggs and milk. Gradually add flour.

2 C. rolled oats

2 C. white chocolate chips

1 C. dried cherries

Stir in oats, chips and cherries. Freeze batter if desired. Bake at 375 degrees 10-14 minutes.

**Dried cherries are really good, but you can also use craisins. Also, I made these last night with dried pineapple instead of the cherries. They turned out really good! Jeff ate one for breakfast.

Sweet

I know I posted a variation of this picture yesterday. We have spent the warm afternoons this week has brought playing out in the yard. Digging is the kids' new pastime. They both sit on either side of the same hole, and take turns digging the dirt, one scoop at a time. You'd think it was their job; they get so focused on their work. Yesterday was such a nice sunny day, in the upper 60's. There we sat, the kids digging in the dirt and I with my nose stuck in a good book. It was really quite nice and peaceful, and sweet, sitting there watching the kids play together in the dirt. They do have a few of my genes afterall. Here's to many more sunny afternoons!

Random Randomness

(I saw this sign on the way home from the store today. Seriously.)

• Spring is in the air! Free water ice on Friday! Things are showing signs of life.
• My truck went down in a blaze of steam and anti-freeze today.
• Fortunately, it happened in my parents' driveway, and Jeff was released early from his second day at jury duty, so guess who's spending a sunny afternoon fixing the truck?!
• Rachel, where did we find our husbands? And is that a diaper on Phil's head?

• The kids have been like two peas in a pod lately. They follow each other around and are playing together and giving each other hugs and 'tisses'
• Cheepa is taking up more and more space. Only 15 to 17 (ish) weeks to go!
• I actually won something! And its something I've really drooled over for a while: a beautiful girls' jacket pattern from a very talented lady who designs all sorts of fun clothes for her little girl. You can see the pattern here. I can't wait. I already have some fabric in mind...
• According to James, birdies are his friends, and the squirrels are Katie's friends. And he has no qualms yelling out the window at the squirrels, giving them orders such as 'Stwirrel, climb that tree!' or 'Stwirrel, you're supposed to look before you cross the road!'
• And Katie fits into the dress I made her for Christmas. I love it!
• 

Tay-taaaaa

Tater is famous! This guy was Jeff's next door neighbor on East Carolina in Fruita and he used to come over all the time. He is the Fruita town mascot. For the record, he referred to me as his 'girlfriend' and would tell me 'you look so preeeeeeetttty' all the time. He's a piece of work. He memorized all the moves of the FMHS Poms and cheerleaders, and would come over with his boombox on his shoulder and show us his moves. I think they should make Tater t-shirts. I would wear one. Go Tater!!!

How could I forget?!

James is scheduled to have his very first sleep over tonight at Grammy and Chappy's, complete with Macaroni and Cheese. He is very excited. I am thinking its going to be mighty strange and sad without him around. Jeff says, in his sensitive and understanding way, 'hey, its just practicing for what it'll be like 14.5 years from now.' I'll keep you posted.

Our Week in Photos

James wanted spiky hair. How stinkin' cute!

I love big cheesy grins.

Blueberry goatee...this doesn't come off very easy, FYI.

Hello, feet, is that you guys down there?

You are becoming but a distant memory.



Green! We planted seeds this week, and already we have tiny little broccoli and basil sprouts! Yeah-hooray, as James would say. Spring is coming!!!

And a crumby, but humerous video. This is what happens when I leave for 15 minutes to run a quick errand. Jeff turns on some questionable music and the kids get to dancin'. I'm going to go out on a limb here and postulate that James may have a little bit more dancing talent than either of his parents.

Tricky, Tricky

There are some days that James just doesn't settle down for his nap. Fortunately, it doesn't happen very often. When it does, I usually hear a little voice saying 'set the timer.' James knows that even if he's not going to take a nap, he has to 'rest.' Translated into Mommy-language means stay quiet and let me get a few things done around here. I set the timer and he can't get up till it beeps. Here's my trick: I set the timer for 2 hours. This way, he feels better knowing there is an 'end' in sight. And, he usually falls asleep anyway. That's the situation right now, and I am hoping he falls asleep! Now, off to try and accomplish a few things...

Quite Possibly...

My kids are good at turning me into a big sappy pile 'o goo. They are just so cute and lovable (although they do have their moments). This morning was quite possibly one of my favorite James/Katie moments ever! For the first time, Katie went over and gave James a spontaneous hug. She just walked up to him, put her arms around him, and rested her head on his chest and just sat there. James put his arms around Katie and hugged her back, gently, and said sweet things to her. The sweetness was over the top. Delicious. Adorable. Ridiculously cute. I wish I could bottle it all up and save it for whenever I need a pick-me-up!

Asparagus Picking: Franch Style

As children, we used to walk up and down the country roads, looking for pop cans to collect. We’d find as many as we could, and then at the end of the summer we would cash them in for something like a whopping $4.86 at the recycling center in town. (Imagine $4.86, split three ways!) Between this endeavor and our mud pie factory, we kept ourselves fairly busy. We were so industrious back then! (maybe it has something to do with supplementing our $1 a month allowance…he,he,he!) We would walk along the irrigation ditches looking for cans, and a familiar site in the spring was asparagus. It flourished along the ditches and was seemingly ubiquitous. Sometimes we would pick it and bring it home, but I don’t ever remember eating it. I know my Dad doesn’t like it all that much. Now, I only wish I could wander along an irrigation ditch and pick a bag full of asparagus! That stuff is expensive!!!! I am hoping to establish an asparagus patch in my backyard next year, and while it will eventually produce some asparagus, I don’t think I’ll ever have the opportunity to pick bunches and bunches of it along the roadside. And I don’t think I’ll ever want to wander the roadside collecting pop cans.

Fun Times

Fun Times, Part One:

This weekend was fun and hectic. (Aren't all weekends hectic?) And a bonus: I didn't have to show the pit of despair to any potential renters!!! Saturday was beautiful and we went to the park. Later that afternoon we went to our friends' house to celebrate their little girl's birthday. Happy Birthday, Joanne! We all had fun and the kids got to play with someone else's toys; I got to eat french onion dip. Yum. Yesterday we had a fiesta for our friend Ashley (hi!) who was in from Texas. This involved our small group, and Mexican food. Can you go wrong? No. James loves our 'small droop' and is always asking if we are having 'small droop.' He loves playing with the kids, and the adults for that matter. We all had lots of fun......drumroll, please.....Ashley brought me a present from Texas.....real live tortillas of all varieties and some delicious chips too! And how's this for dedication? She left the bag at the airport, and had the ladies stop on the way home from the women's retreat so she could go in and retrieve them! I have already had one with my lunch and not only was it superb, but it didn't even taste like the bag it came in. (which seems to be a prerequisite around here) Thanks, Ashley! We shall be eating many a tortilla this week and I am going to change my menu around to squeeze in enchiladas! Yipee!!! I apologize for using more than my alotted quota of explanation marks in this post, but when there are tortillas involved I can't help myself.

Fun Times, Part Two:

This one is disgusting, so if you are squeemish you might want to skip it. But, it is kind of humerous, in a sick way, sort of. Remember the homemade TV antenna/hot dog roaster extrodinaire that Jeff made? After determining that it did indeed work better than our bunny ears, he precariously installed it on top of the TV, sitting in a coffee cup. I was not too keen on this as I felt it may be a hazard. Let me tell ya! Hazard is right. Saturday night Jeff was messing around with it and it fell from its tenuous perch. It bounced off his noggin and then....this is were it gets gross, ladies and gents, skewered Jeff's ring finger. I am not exaggerating this point. The copper wire (the diameter of a wire hanger) went through his finger (right next to his ring) and stopped just under the skin on the other side. Eeeew. He had to pull it out. Eeeeeeeew. And you can see the entry wound and the spot where it came just under the skin on the other side. He had to take his wedding band off due to swelling, so hopefully it goes back to normal soon. Since it did not involve severing a limb or total dismemberment, it is therefore not worthy of getting checked out according to Jeff. I will now refer to the antenna (which is now safely and securely hanging on the wall) as the Antenna of Doom. While I am not glad Jeff made a finger kabob out of himself, I am glad it wasn't one of the kids. Really glad. Really really glad.

About the Slideshow

I may have conquered the slideshow, but darn if I can't figure out how to add text to it. It was a lovely 68 degrees or so today. Remember, on Monday it was 20 degrees, snowing and windy. We decided to make the most of it and packed the kids up, and took a family bike ride. No matter that only Jeff and James have bikes. Someday we'll wrangle up bikes for all of us. We found a nice new park and went out and enjoyed ourselves. Jeff and I even got into an ornery game of pelt-each-other-with-pokey-seed-balls, which I don't recommend. If, however, you do find yourself in such a situation, please note that long curly hair acts as velcro and is effective in catching the seed balls both to avoid injury and to stockpile ammunition. Jeff had no such advantage, but alas, he still won. Our kids must think we are nuts.

Slide Show!

Sunny Day! Bike Riding

Inquiring Minds Want to Know

God help me. James is firmly entrenched in the Why? phase. By 8 o'clock in the morning, he has asked more questions than should be legal for anyone. Here are a few examples:

• Why do I have two Waldos?
  
• Why do peoples have dogs and tats?
• Why does Daddy go to work?
• Why did they say there was a thunderstorm?
  
• Why are you doing that?
• Why are you going to the bathroom?
• Am I a mushroom?
• Is Tay a _____? (fill in the blank with some crazy made up word)
• Are bears and horses naked?
  

What really gets me is that he asks the same question, over and over again, despite getting the same answer every time. I don't want to squelch his curiosity, but I don't want him to squelch my sanity either!!! :)

And in rental news, we had one more appointment to show the house yesterday. The guy had already called me on Monday to see if I could still show him the house in an hour. Uh? He had never replied back to me to set up an appointment, so I never set one up. I told him he'd have to schedule another day. That day was yesterday. After waiting nearly 20 minutes, I left. Guess what? He showed up after I left, 25 minutes late. Our tenant called Jeff, who told her to tell him to reschedule. Word on the street is that he was annoyed by that. Hmmm. Methinks he would probably be annoyed if he had to sit waiting around all morning for people who show up late. So far, he hasn't contacted me, and I don't think he will.

And I thought Smoky the Bear was risque...

Remember a long while ago I posted about our vintage Smoky the Bear book, and how Mr. Swift, the father, was smoking in nearly every picture? Well, move over Mr. Swift. Arther has just made you look like tame ol' Mr. Rodgers, complete with librarian sweater. I let James check out an Arther book from the library today. Why? I don't know. I don't let him watch Arthur, since I think the kids are snotty and rude to each other. But I figured maybe the book would be better. Well, let me tell you.....we cuddled up on the couch to read all about Arthur's birthday. I was disappointed to find that the kids did have a bit of the attitude they have on the show. I was mortified, however, when the kids (who are celebrating Arthur's 8th birthday) suggest playing spin the bottle at Arthur's party. The book ends touchingly with Arthur's girl friend giving him the gift of a decorated bottle emblazoned with the words 'Spin-the-bottle.' What?!?! Am I missing something here? Is there some other, more innocent game of spin the bottle, or are we encouraging little kids to kiss members of the opposite sex at random. I hope they don't come out with a book about Arthur's 9th birthday. Can you imagine?! Let's go robo-trippin' with Arthur, or maybe we could play a little strip poker, shall we? Maybe that's a little extreme, but seriously. I was shocked. Is it me, or is this just crazy?!

P.S. Fortunately I read ahead as I am reading out loud and skipped right over the parts about 'Spin-the-bottle,' although James did ask why Arthur got a bottle for his birthday.

I Heart My Food Processor

Let me take a moment to sing the praises of my food processor:

Oh, food processor fair ,
I like you better than my pet hare.
You spin and whirl and chop,
and make me want to hop
with joy.

Did you know that I had such mad poetry skillz? It runs very deep in our family. But on to my BFPF (Best Food Processor Forever). With it, I can chop, slice or grate carrots, celery, cheese, zucchini, onions, and many other things. It can make a mean batch of hummus. I make pizza crust every Friday in it. It can make pie crust and puree soup. Is there no end to the goodness that is a food processor?! Today, I actually made...drumroll, please...my very own peanut butter, au natural, without those pesky trans-fatty acids and/or partially hydrogenated such-and-such. I think I'm in love!

Strange News Story

Woman Stuck in Recycling Can for Two Days

A poor little old lady fell into a recycling can with her legs and hands in the air. She was kept alive thanks to a heater she had in her garage for her dog, and found by a concerned neighbor. Too bizarre.

They're taking over the world....

Here in the fine state of P-A, we give directions by saying 'turn right at the W@wa, left at the W@lgreens.' This is becoming a problem. W@wa, W@lgreens and Dunk1n Donuts are taking over the world. Giving these directions could get one very lost, given that it adequately describes 1 out of 3 street corners around here. I can think of 3 W@lgreens within 2 or 3 miles of us. They just built a new Dunk1n Donuts just a mile from another one. Its getting ridiculous! Will they only stop when each intersection is complete with a drugstore, a W@wa and a donut place? As Herber Hoover once said, "a hoagie in every hand and an orange-and-pink coffee in every cup holder."

Happy News/Crappy News

I know, I know. I shouldn't use that word, but it ryhmes, and it works. Happy news first:



Cheepa! (which I have been informed is a naughty word in Polish...who knew?) Isn't he adorable and lovely and handsome and delicious and....oh! I can't wait to meet him.

Snow! Here I was whining to Jeff that we hadn't really gotten any good snow this year. While its still not a record or anything, we've got a good amount, and its still coming down. Its too hard to tell how much of it is out there since the wind is blowing like crazy. Nothing like dressing your kids up like mummies to go outside for 15 minutes, which, ironically, is the same amount of time it took to get them dressed in the first place. Unfortunately Jeff got to work only to find out that the 'don't come to work til 10am' email went to his junk folder. Lovely. Hopefully they let him out early. Also, the snow reminded me of why I love my neighborhood. This morning, there were no fewer than three of our neighbors out with their snowblowers, clearing their driveways and the neighbors too. Our next door neighbor did our sidewalk and driveway! Bless him! And a nice older guy down the street did probably 4 or 5 houses worth of sidewalk, and who knows what else. Another neighbor cleared and shoveled for the sweet lady across street. Made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

And now for the crappy news.

Those Europeans are brutally honest: More Rental Saga
So yesterday was another depressing day on the rental front. I showed the house yesterday to a husband, wife and their daughter who looked about 20. The parents spoke little English, but the daughter spoke it well so she was the liaison. They were some sort of European, and since I am an uneducated yokel I couldn't tell where, except to guess somewhere not in, but around, Russia. Helpful, I know. Anyway, they were very nice. I explained, again, to them that the house was not in good shape. They nodded like they understood. Well, we walked in and were greeted by the lovely smell that cannot be mistaken: urine. They immediately looked around and back at me with a repulsed look. I know its hard to see past all the filth, and the smell. The man didn't even see the whole downstairs before he walked out. The women looked upstairs, I think out of courtesy, and then said 'We need to get outside now!' All the while, they kept looking at me and saying things like 'How can people live like this?' and 'This is disgusting.' Pretty much the same thing that the others have said, and totally understandable. When we went outside for some much needed fresh air, they asked a lot of questions about the house. I told them what we would be doing (which will greatly improve the house and return it to its former condition, and in some ways better). The guy told me that we would have to do a whole lot more than that to improve the house. He told me everything would have to be redone. (Two sidenotes: all the while, between questions, they were bantering back and forth in their native language, even arguing at times; also, at this point in the story, the guy whipped out an ad for his renovation business...clever, no?) He also asked if I was going to be putting in central air before the next tenant. Uh, no. I don't even have central air in my house. Lets repeat this again, folks, its a R-E-N-T-A-L! If you want the Taj-Mahal, buy your own house and fix it up, or be prepared to fork out upwards of $2000 or more to get what you want. Anyway, the guy shook his head and said, 'No, we can't live here.' The woman asked if we were going to be doing anything about the kitchen (through her daughter). I told her that aside from cleaning and painting, the kitchen would be the same. She shook her head in disgust, and she said in the first and only English I heard her speak, 'The kitchen is disgusting.' (I agree in its current state, it is disgusting, but she meant the kitchen in general: size, cabinets, etc.) The man told me that we would keep getting the 'same trash until you do something about that kitchen.' As rude as it sounds, I really think he was just being honest, with no intent to be mean. No surprise, they told us they were not interested. I cried on the way home. It was all just too much. I am angry that the tenants have managed to do so much damage in 10 months, and that we can't even show it like it is. I was angry that they insulted the kitchen the way they did. I never liked that kitchen, but it worked, and there were 17,000 kitchens like it built here in L-town, and people have been using them for 50+ years. I know plenty of people who are not 'trash' who live with similiar kitchens. Anyway, the whole thing was ridiculous and frustrating. We are now waiting till closer to the time that the tenants move out to advertise and show it again. It is just too disgusting to show, and we fear that when people see it like it is now, they will not give it a second chance if they are still looking at the end of the month. So there you have it, another depressing installment of 'don't you want to have your own rental property?'

It's a............................

boy!

Everything looks great and I'll try to post the ultrasound pictures soon. (technical difficulties)

James and the Stwirrels: BFF's

James loves the 'stwirrels' in our neighborhood. He will sit and watch them, narrating for Katie and I every move they make. What I find exceptionally funny is that he will start yelling at the squirrels, getting louder and louder as they don't respond to him. He will shout 'Hey, stwirrel! How's it going? What are you doing? Where are you going? Hey, stwirrel! Come back here!!!!' Its very entertaining to watch. He has also determined that the electrical wires running from pole to pole are actually 'squirrel roads.' He told Mom yesterday that the tree trimmers came to trim the branches so they weren't in the way of the squirrels' roads. I love the way he thinks.

And in other news....today is the day! Stay tuned to find out the gender of Numero Tres. (as long as the baby cooperates!)

Cheepa

James is getting more and more interested in the idea of Cheepa. He talks to my belly and waves. He and Katie take turns blowing raspberries on my growing baby bump and giggling like maniacs. James tells Cheepa stories. Actually, he tells him/her the only story in his repertoire: Once 'pon, there was a tractor and it said to the other tractor 'no, you tan't drive!' He sings to Cheepa. Yesterday, he did the funniest thing. We were at the Grammy and Chappy's, and James was sniffing scented markers. Pretty soon, he was holding them up to Katie's nose, then Grammy's, then mine, and then...he would hold the marker close to my belly and say 'you smell dat, Cheepa?' James also has a variety of activities he imagines Cheepa doing. Sometimes, 'she' (James thinks Cheepa is a sister) is taking a nap, or swishing around, or getting a snack out of the fridge in my tummy, or watching TV, or swimming, taking a bath, or dancing in green boots. He also says that Cheepa says 'hi' to him. The cuteness is just too much. And speaking of cuteness, yesterday when we got back from the 'rents, Katie was taking her jolly toddler time walking to the door. (I dare not carry her these days; she can do it herself, thank you very much!) It was cold, and I was trying to coax her to get moving. James walked over and ever so gently took her hand, and slowly walked her to the door. He didn't walk too fast for her, or push her over, just held her hand and helped her along the sidewalk. It was just too precious. And speaking of precious, or not, the M@tag man is supposed to come fix my dishwasher today. I just want them to fix the thing without any hassle. It is under warranty so hopefully everything will be covered. How do people live without dishwashers? Rather, how does one suceed in having a life that consists of anything other than doing dishes without a dishwasher?!

P.S. We're not naming the baby 'Cheepa.' That's just what James started calling the baby and it kind of stuck. Until Friday, when hopefully we will be able to narrow the names down to one gender or the other. This is the first kid that we don't have a name picked out for yet. Poor Cheepa!

Going to Heck in a Handbasket

Why is it when it rains, it pours. Last year was crazy, and I was hoping that this year would be nice and uneventful. What was I thinking?! In the last month or so, we found out our tenants are moving out. We found out a lot more drama then we needed about that too. Then, Katie's disappointing hip check. Then, we find out our rental is trashed. Like, almost as bad as when we bought the place. Then, our dryer died. Now our dishwasher. My precious dishwasher!!! Oh, and Katie's crib is recalled, the kind where they tell you not to let your child take one more nap in it, ever, and here's all your money back while we're at it. Fortunately on that front, we were just given a nice crib for Cheepa, so she can sleep in that till we return the other one. All this, and its only February!!!! I think I will be going on vacation for the remainder of the year, somewhere where trouble can't find me. :)

You're Stuck in the 80's, Dude

Jeff likes 80's music. A lot. It is a running joke that about every third song that comes on the radio is 'one of the best songs ever.' To prove that Jeff really does say this a lot, I will let you know that James heard a song he liked and said 'Mommy, this is the best song ever!' The song Jeff loves most of all is 'What's love got to do with it' by Tin@ Turner. This is serious stuff, folks. It is his all time favorite song. A song that says 'what's love, but a second hand emotion? Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken? Whoa, oh, oh, what's love got to do, got to do with it?' He says he likes it because a)its one of the best songs ever written, b)it has a good tune, and c)he likes the flutist playing in the background. He likes anything by Tina Turner, but this is his favorite song. My favorite thing to do for Jeff is to sing at the top of my lungs in my worst Tina voice to any of her songs. He loves it. Emphasis on loves. Rolling one's eyes is a gesture of love, right? He insists that if it wasn't the best song ever written, they wouldn't play it so much. He also insists that there are other Tina Turner fans out there. Hello? Are you out there? Take the survey and solve this dilemma once and for all. Personally, I just think he likes Tin@ Turner so much because her hair looks just like mine in the morning.

Garry, Garry, Quite Contrary: An Odor Clause???

***Names changed slightly***

So...let's chat about the guy who has showed me up to see the house a few times now, shall we? This guy, Garry, came to see the house, was appalled at the condition (we were too), but like the layout and was really interested. He wanted to bring his wife to see it, and set up an appointment for Wednesday. Well, he didn't show. Turns out, the story goes that he wrote it down in his planner as Thursday. Whatever. I gave him the benefit of the doubt since he had originally said Thursday, then said Wednesday was better. Funny thing is, I sent him an email too saying Wednesday, but obviously he didn't read it. This time, I wised up and told him to call me when he was almost there and I would head over. Guess what?! He never called. Bla. Bla. Bla. He got caught in a meeting at work. Couldn't call. Couldn't email. I have no idea why his wife couldn't have called. Anyway, we were just about done with him. However, he said he really wanted the house and had the application filled out. Given the current economic climate, we figure we better give everyone a good look and at least review the application. So, he set up an appointment for this Wednesday. Confused yet? Me too. He called at the last minute and asked to change the time. At this point I just wanted to show him and his wife the house and be done with it once and for all. So I said OK. I did tell him I had stuff to do and the time couldn't be adjusted yet again. After waiting for my limit of 20 minutes, I was just ready to leave when who pulls in? You guessed it. Garry and his wife. I showed them the house, again reassuring them that we will be replacing the flooring and painting the entire house, as well as necessary repairs (all of which we are willing to put in writing as part of the contract). While I was showing them the house, they started asking if this would be replaced, or that would be replaced. I was hesitant to give him a firm answer as I had no idea what Jeff had told him. While we are more that willing, and obligated, to make sure the house is clean and in good repair, we ain't promisin' the world, honey. The house is 50 years old! So, I again reassured them that we would write it into the lease contract. He called me that evening to say that they were really wanted the house, but were concerned about the odor. What would happen if the house still smells after new floors and paint? Could they get that in writing. I kindly explained to them that while we don't anticipate the smell lingering, and we don't want it to smell, odor is a subjective thing. By putting a 'smell' clause in the lease, they could basically walk away from the deal by saying the house smelled a little funny. Seriously? I explained to them that we wouldn't be able to do that. Then...oh, then, they emailed us about a few other things. They want to know if we will be replacing the appliances, because some of them look like they are not, and I quote, 'in the greastest condition.' We all know that used appliances are just not acceptable in a rental home and would of course be replaced, right? Not!!! So, we told him that the appliances were staying (unless they don't work) and that they can use their own if they want. At this point, do we really want to rent to them? Uh, no. What if a light bulb burns out? Would we get a call? We've decided that if they try anymore finagling we are just going to tell them that while the house will be presented in a clean, freshly painted state, with certain repairs made, it is AS IS and if that's not OK, then you might want to look elsewhere!!!

If you've made it to the bitter end, I am impressed. That was a rant alright. But guess what!? One week til the ultrasound!!! Start making your bets, folks! Will it be a boy or a girl? Or one of each? Just kidding about the one of each. Now that would be a shock and a half.

Good Old-Fashioned Fun: A Franch Tale

At our church growing up, we had an ‘Old Fashioned Sunday.’ This day was one of the highlights of our summer/fall. Everyone would dress up in old fashioned clothes and we’d have potato sack races and three-legged races. Mom made me the most beautiful Laura Engalls dress ever. I still have it. Having one of these Old Fashioned Sundays also meant that there would be a pig roast. This was and remains one of my favorite culinary events. If there is a pig a roastin’, I’ll be there! Being a PK (pastor’s kid), and living on church property allowed us to be privy to all the goings on prior to the shindig. This involved two fine gentleman camping out in the yard so they could start the grill in the middle of the night. The day before, they would bring in the pig and get it ready. This involved a pig head. I remember one of the guys, probably to gross us out, wrapped it in a sheet and used it for a pillow to take a nap on the grass. Little did he know that we were not deterred by dead pig heads. I do believe we later participated in a rousing game of kick the pig head around the yard. Yes, that is the classy sort of activity us Cheyney kids participated in. Of course, along with roast pig, there came an assortment of mystery jello salads, all you can drink KoolAid and lots of other yummy things. After eating a round or two, or six, at the kids' table (which was always placed in front of the enormous world map in the fellowship hall…that map is still there, and is now quite outdated….USSR anyone?), we would head outside for more potato sack races and other fun. Sometimes we would even take our friends out back and stand at the edge of the ‘deep ditch’ looking down at it. It was forbidden to go too close to the ‘deep ditch’ so we felt we were living on the edge by taking our friends to see it. Such fond memories of those afternoons spent with KoolAid mustaches and greasy hands, playing till we were worn out.

***Re-reading this, I realize it is terribly full of run-on sentences, grammatical mishaps and rambles. I don’t have time to re-write it so hope I didn’t drive anyone nuts! ***

Pictures, and a Hidden Camera Video....

The 'chapters' are back in vogue, at least for a day:

Misc. Katie Pics:

The C@rs cake I made for a friend's son. That's a lot of red food coloring!!!

Whenever I bust out the camera, James clams up. Therefore, when he was lustily belting out a song from Veggie T@les this morning, I secretly positioned the camera to catch his antics. He is singing the song 'Because I Love My Ducks,' and it is clear that he only remembers one line from the song. Enjoy!