Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Kicking the Bucket With Dignity

I realize this may be a strange topic to blog about, but hey! It just goes with my theme. The other day I passed one of those roadside shrines, complete with some sort of festive, but weathered St. Patty's day decor, some faded fake flowers and miscellaneous dilapidated decor. I really can't imagine losing someone close, so I don't know how those families feel. However, let it be known that I would rather not be memorialized with faded fake roses and Valentine's Day hearts. And for God's sake, no pinwheels please. It got me thinking about memorials, and what I'd never want for myself. For example, please never, EVER, remember me by putting my name in large gothic letters across your back windshield with the acronym R.I.P. next to it. Its just not my style. Besides, it seems as though something like that would seriously obstruct your view, and I wouldn't want you rushing yourself to the grave by not being able to see past the RIP letters. Strangely, after having this mini-discussion in my head (with myself, of course), I was flipping through the phone book. What did I see?! I was looking for 'furnace', and found 'funeral'. There was a large ad, highlighting the different funeral packages available, and their cost. Want the whole she-bang? That's gonna set you back, say, $6000. Only a viewing you want? They'll knock a few grand off the price, then cremate you afterward. If all you want is to be turned into dust, then you're in luck. You can get them throw you in the burner for less than a grand. I think its a bit strange to advertise their prices in big letters in the yellow pages. Can you imagine? Someone calls the funeral home, 'Yeah, I'd like to pre-purchase your $3999 special. And can you make sure my old lady buries me with my fishing pole and a bottle of Bud? And make sure it's a bottle, not a can. And don't forget my best flannel shirt. For $3999, I expect to be treated like a king, or at least Dale Earnhart. Oh, and what about that box? Is it pine, or walnut, or what?' And the funeral home would say, 'Well, sir, if you want such special treatment, we're gonna have to up-sell you to our $8999 package. That way we can assure you special treatment you so deserve. We could even assure you that we would play 'Free Bird' at your funeral for that price. We can set that up on a payment plan for you if you'd like.' I'm all for planning ahead, but picking out your funeral package in the yellow pages seems strange.

Now that you've been witness, yet again, to the bizarre ramblings of my brain, I'd like to end by saying, for the record, I am not planning on checking out anytime soon. I just have these strange commentaries that run through my head sometimes. Scary, huh? Pardon me. The doorbell is ringing. They're coming to take me away....

P.S. Its not my fault I have a dimented sense of humor. It runs in the family.

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