How Will I Know....

If these pants make my butt look big?

There are certain things you take for granted when you buy a house. Outlets in the kitchen, for one. The new house has only two, neither one near the counters, and one is for the fridge and washer. Another thing you forget doesn’t come standard are smoke detectors. Apparently the previous owner didn’t mind the thought of possibly sleeping through a house fire. There are no fire alarms in the house, nor is there any evidence that they ever had them. Not that that means they didn’t, but it’s a good guess. Other things you take for granted are things like a hose sprayer for the kitchen sink, or a dishwasher, or…..a full length mirror. Who knew this simple device could be so necessary to day-to-day operations. Here’s the deal. If you don’t have a full-length mirror, how will you possibly know if you have a ‘kick me’ sign on your back? How will you know if you have toilet paper hanging from your backside? And most importantly, how will you ever know the answer to the age old question, ‘Do these pants make my butt look big?’ I realize that you could ask your significant other, or perhaps the nearest circus midget, but that is a loaded question in and of itself. There is really no possible way to answer this question correctly. You could say, “No.” which is the least likely to offend, but could leave the impression that you still think that the derriere is big but the pants are flattering. You could say, “Yes.” That answer, honest or not, is just not where you want to go. It’s a line that should never be crossed, unless you want to sleep on the couch for a week and three months. You could also answer, “No. It’s just your butt.” This might be the worst answer of all. It is far better, I think, to gaze upon your ample rump and judge for yourself. Be brutally honest. Now that I think about it, maybe I don’t want a full-length mirror after all. Maybe ignorance is bliss.

See, now haven't you just missed me terribly? I mean, with all this deep and though-provoking nonsense that comes out of my brain what's not to miss? Ha, ha!