Math: My Specialty

Anyone reading this who knows me fairly well knows that math is actually NOT my specialty. Faaaar from it. But I can bust out a little algebra every now and then when I need to. Here are a few equations I have just figured out:

The Pit of Despair = Stress, stress, and more stress

Prolonged time working on the P.O.D. = Prolonged stress

Prolonged Stress = Lost Sanity, exhaustion

Lost Sanity = Not Good

So maybe this isn't math after all. Its more like proofs in Geometry. Sort of. My point is that we are exhausted, tired, exhausted, tired, and basically never want to see the rental again! My sanity has gone somewhere and I can only hope it returns someday. On top of that, the kids are way past sick of going to the house too. They are tired, cranky, and starting to do what kids do best in that type of situation: act out. And, if you remember from my cheesy equations above, Jeff and I are not exactly feeling chipper ourselves. At this point I could pretty much crawl under a rock and cry. But then I would hear 'Mommy, I need water. Mommy, come wipe my buns.' and I would no longer be able to sit and wail. I would have to get up and get going. Which is what I have been doing. There is light at the end of the tunnel; its just not close enough, dang it!

And to add a bit of 'excitement' to my already exhausting day yesterday, right before bed the kids were playing outside for a few minutes. James came running around the corner screaming, with blood all over. Let me tell you, head wounds bleed a lot. And I do not handle exhaustion + head wounds very well. In trying to jump up and peek over the wall (like Jeff does), James pulled a loose brick down and it fell on his head. Fortunately, it wasn't as bad as it appeared, but it took me quite a while to come down off the adrenaline. In fact, I went out and organized my garage and cleaned up the backyard to try and distract myself from the drama of it all. And then I sat down and ate a big chunk of contraband watermelon all by myself. And guess what? First thing this morning, James asked me for the watermelon. How does that little stinker even know I had it?! I hid it in a shopping bag and smuggled it in. Little turkey.

Its Hot!

The weather has been in the mid-90's since Saturday. What is up with that? Monday was in the 40's. Now we are roasting our buns off. But we have enjoyed the spring, uh, summer weather amidst the ongoing saga of the rental. Here is a slide show of all the fun pictures.

Spring 2009

The Munchkins

Cheese!

Pirates hijacking the Daddy Ship; Pretty Hair-do

***White flesh alert***Saying hi to Cheepa; Katie finding someone's leftovers and finishing them up.

You had me at hell

How Not To Impress A Possible Landlord: A Primer

• Make sure not to use any punctuation, capitalization, spell check, or proof-reading. See example below:

hell to whom it may concern, my name is ***** and i ran into your ad on craigslist about your 3 bedroom house for rent. i'm very familiar with the area and would like to schedule an appointment. my cell is *** thank you

• When potential landlord calls you on the phone, answer it, tell them you can't talk right now, and that you'll call them right back. Then wait an hour or two before calling them back. Or don't call back at all.
  
• When speaking with potential landlord, mention that you have to get out of your current place, like, yesterday or last week for that matter. You're potential landlord will never, ever put two and two together that you are getting evicted.
• Mention to your potential landlord that you have to leave because the owner is getting foreclosed and 'there's a lot of other stuff going on.' No one will ever suspect that your landlord is getting foreclosed because you didn't pay your rent for the last 6 months.
• Say 'my credit is not that great. I haven't actually checked it, but I know its bad. But my ex-spouse ruined my credit.' That excuse is so clever that everyone uses it!
• Tell potential landlord that you always try to pay your bills on time. You might even throw in there that you've only ever bounced 62 checks in your lifetime.
  
• Set up an appointment, then choose one of the following options: a) don't show, b) show up 37 minutes late, or c) change it to another day at the last minute because you're stuck working late at the candy factory and you don't know when you'll get out.
• After changing your appointment to another day, call again at the last minute and thank the potential landlord for their 'hospitality,' and then say that you aren't coming because there is no way you'll ever get approved to rent another house.

Thus concludes our session, 'How Not to Impress a Possible Landlord.' I hope you have found it to be informative, and can use the information wisely. Thank you.

Like a Box of Chocolates

You never know what you're gonna get.

About a week ago, I told Jeff that I would bet money that the attic of the rental was filled with stuff. He didn't think so. He figured they never bothered to go up there. I wasn't convinced. Well. Let me tell you. The attic was full. Of lots and lots of stuff. Boxes and boxes of videos. Family pictures. Christmas decorations. Winter gear. Craft supplies. A coffee pot. Personal information. Books. You name it, we probably have it shoved somewhere in a box. I am sure glad we didn't leave access to the storage space upstairs.

In other news, I was told by my midwife this morning that its already time to start coming in every two weeks. This means we are getting closer and closer to the arrival of Cheepa! Dang. We better come up with a name one of these days. :) I don't really feel like going in every two weeks already, but what can you do. It'll be here before I know it!

Progress After All

I think we've had our nose to the grindstone so much lately that we haven't noticed how far we've come in the last 21 days. There is still a lot to do, but most of the big things are done. I loaded up some new pictures today and realized we are making progress after all!!!! And, it doesn't stink anymore. Hallelujah!! (PS. Don't pay any mind to the random captions)

Its a Bird! Its a plane! Its....a foot?

I am officially at the really fun stage where Cheepa is big enough to really make some noise, figuratively anyway. When he kicks, I can feel him bumping up against the other side of me, and I can feel what I believe are his tiny little feet or knees pushing out on my stomach. I love to be able to put my hand on my belly and feel a firm little bump o' baby right there. Its pretty nifty. Nothing quite like feeling a human being kick you...from inside your own body. (And Erin, if you're reading this...its really not that weird! Its cool, I promise! :) To quote Jeff, its like 'there's an alien in there!' (Which he said the very first time he felt James kick)

Paint Does Wonders

When Good Birds Turn Bad: Rabid Robin Attacks

Since Saturday, a crazed robin has been attacking our vehicles, primarily our truck. It flies at the windows and as an added side effect, poops all over the doors. It will sit out there, all day, and fly at our windows. I hadn't seen him for the last two days, but upon inspection of the truck, it appears that the bird continued to be hard at work. There are so many scratches on our windows, I can't imagine the bird has any beak left. Hopefully the scratches will come off; and hopefully the bird will come to his senses soon and find something more productive to do!

In a Nutshell

-Tuesday Night: Emergency Visit to pediatrician for Katie; all is well now.
-Wednesday Night: Spent messing around with the circuit breaker trying to figure out why our power was going in and out, flickering like a disco and causing strange noises.
-Thursday Night: Repeat of Wednesday night, with the added bonus of Jeff replacing the main switch, much to my disapproval, a late night call to PECO, two middle-of-the-night calls from PECO, and a 2:30am visit from the PECO guy. Added bonus: Jeff showed him what was going on, and what he had done to try and fix it, all in his footy pajamas.
-Friday Morning: They came out and fixed the power! Wahoo! Had to get my lovely glucose test done. Not fun. And they didn't have my paper work and I was scared they would send me home after drinking the nasty orange potion-of-nastiness. Fortunately, it all came through OK.

And, on top of all that, we've been working at the rental trying to get everything fixed up. There is just so much to do, and now we are getting down to the wire. Needless to say, we are exhausted.

If you've made it this far, here's some fun pictures of Katie saying 'cheese.' She takes it very seriously. Hopefully tomorrow I'll post a video of the rabid robin that has been attacking out truck since Saturday. Really.

Do Not Fear!

For those of you fans of the 'Running James Commentary,' here's a link to past James commentary. It was getting too long, and besides, I needed more room for the wonderful baby ticker Linda showed me!

In other news, still crazy on the rental front. The people we were hopeful about, well, not so hopeful now. Still working to clean it up. Its coming along. Paint does wonders. Floor to go in soon. We need renters!

And I just got back from a two hour visit to the pediatrician. Katie had a 104.4 degree fever. She has an ear infection and a 'croupy' cough. Poor thing.

Fun times and one of my favorite pictures ever....

First off, a garden update. Here are my lovely and surprisingly robust seedlings. I say surprisingly because I have never really forayed into the world of seed starting before, and because I like the word robust! It makes me giggle. Anyway, they're lookin' good. Maybe its all those James 'tisses' and the incessant checking (by James and I).

We enjoyed a bit of fun and relaxation this weekend, amidst all the rental work we did. Rach and Phil came down Saturday and Sunday to celebrate Phil's birthday and Easter. The kids looked so good all gussied up on Sunday, but our quest for a family snapshot was foiled by an over-tired munchkin. Here are the only decent pictures of him we could get:

Katie looked just delicious, and I wish I had some fabulous pictures of her, but she likes to move around. (Rachel...where art thou pictures? Post them on thy blog, pronto!)

I have determined that Katie has a special little spot in her heart reserved just for Chappy. She likes to crawl into his lap and bring him random objects. It didn't hurt that Chappy was doling out jelly beans to her on Sunday.

And finally, check out this picture. Can it get any sweeter? After a fun afternoon with the fam, we went home for a little rest. Katie climbed right up onto Jeff, and fell asleep immediately. All together now....Awwww!

Less Than 100 Days!!!

We're down to three months, folks! 98 days! Give or take...til bambino #3 arrives! How does time fly by so fast? I am starting to feel the need to wash and fold and sort all my little bitty baby clothes. The only technical difficulty is where to put them? Hmmm. Must find dresser. Anyway, I know the three short months will go very fast, and I am excited to meet this little guy! James is getting antsy and keeps asking if we can get Cheepa out now. :)

Scientific Phenomena

I've discovered a strange and little known fact of the scientific world. Do you know the key to keeping ants, bugs, cockroaches, mice and other nasty critters out of your house? You guessed it! Keep your house so absolutely filthy that even the roaches can't stomach it.

After a week of scouring and scrubbing and ripping out flooring, we have not seen signs of any bugs, mice, or other nasty beasts, except in the shed. And that I can live with!

Shocking

Every year, around this time, it is my ritual to take part in the eating of the Cadburry Creme Egg. I have always enjoyed them, despite the fact that the gooey high-fructose corn syrup-laced filling is tinted like a real egg. I always thought that was kind of weird. But they are always so good, and each year I buy a few just for myself. This year, I picked one up and ate it when I got to the car, eagerly anticipating the foil-wrapped goodness. But alas, I have discovered that the Cadburry Creme Egg and I are no longer meant to be. I am not a fan anymore. Shocking! And before you blame in on the pregnancy hormones, here's my theory. I have noticed that the better we eat, and the more homemade stuff we eat (which is just about everything), processed food just tastes nastier and nastier. Don't get me wrong! I love dessert just as much as the next girl, but I would just rather have a homemade brownie than a waxy-chocolate corn syrup filled egg. Its sad, but true. The egg has lost its allure.

Looking Forward

Although its hard not to get depressed every time we go over to the pit of despair, I keep reminding myself of what I have to look forward to once the house is in order. First, my garden. The little seeds I planted a month ago are already over six inches tall! I took this picture a week ago and they have already doubled in size! I am looking forward to going produce shopping in my backyard this summer. Mmmm!

Of course, after the garden is in the ground, we will soon be welcoming another baby into our family!

And if that's not enough to look forward to, I can always remind myself that my daughter finds great joy in wearing her brother's (worn) underwear on her head!

F@cebook: Opening a Can of Worms

I was going write about socks and how they maddeningly disappear and reappear at random. But no, I decided to open a can of worms instead. (Can you tell my mind is starting to be affected by the multiple layers of grime and despair we've been dealing with?) First off, let me start by saying that I think a good majority of you trusty readers are on the F@cebook. But now that I have joined, I am more confused that ever about the point of f@cebook, besides draining people's time away by tempting them into taking the 'What would your pirate name be?' quiz. Here are some things I don't get:

• Becoming a fan: someone I know became a fan of 'sleep.' I looked, and there are nearly a million fans of sleep. Now seriously, who says to themselves, 'self, I am going to create a f@cebook group called 'sleep,' and everybody will be a fan. And how does one go about finding these groups to join, and why?
• The, and I quote, 'lil green patch.' These things show up all the time, with people trying to get me to accept a green patch to help save the environment. Really, is accepting an electronic icon going to keep anyone from chopping down a tree in the rainforest?
  
• Gifts. People can send gifts. I don't know where they come from, or where they go. Someone sent me a Cadburry egg. It disappeared somewhere into cyberspace, never to be understood.
• There is also, apparently, a way to launch snowballs and Ob@mas at one another. You can be greeted in the morning by 'Your friend XX flung an Ob@ma at you.' You can respond by flinging one back.
• The status update: I never know what to write, and usually don't fill it in. Usually, the thoughts that run through me head are Megan is....picking her nose. Megan is....wondering who really cares if I am going to make a PB&J after this. Megan is....thinking that whoever created the group 'I like big butts and I cannot lie' needs to get a life, and fast.'
• Collecting friends. Seriously? How can you possibly keep up with 378 friends, and do you really want to? Like the guy you met at the bus stop in Kindergarten, who moved away the next week. Or your brother's ex-girlfriend's brother's cousin's uncle's neighbor?

I would like to say, I do think the 'book has some benefits. It is fun to leave a little comment for a friend, or see pictures of your friends' kids. Friends of ours recently had a sweet little baby girl with some health issues, and I checked all day long for updates. (Hi, Lily and Merry Jo!!! And Scott and Emma) I keep up with a few childhood friends of mine through F@cebook. There really are good things about it, but I don't think I'll be taking the 'What foreign world leader do you look like?' quiz. Besides, I'd be too afraid it would tell me I look like Yasir Araf@t, and who wants to broadcast that to their 528 friends?

Progress?!

When a house is as trashed as ours is, it is difficult to see 'progess,' when there seems to be so much still to do. However, it is amazing what happens when you actually clean. (Shhh. Don't tell anyone!) With a little elbow grease, the kitchen cabinets look white again!

Before: After:

They are not done yet, but what a difference. Not sure if you can tell in the pictures. Then, after 6 nasty buckets of mop water later, the master bedroom floor is nearly clean. Behold:

The fifth bucket of mop water: The floor... its coming along:

James loves to help Daddy in any way possible. He is a hard little worker. Jeff is too, by the way, except for the little part. Below you can see a contraption Jeff devised to scrape the stubborn tile off the floor without killing his knees. He later improvised it yet again by strapping on a trash barrel full of heavy tile. Hey, it worked!

The kids have become very enamored with a hat they left behind. (Don't worry, I washed it!!!) Jeff said that it was the tenant's hat from Desert Storm, and apparently he used to wear it all the time. Katie even wanted to wear it to church.

There's still a long way to go, and sometimes, well, most of the time, I don't even want to think about it, but slowly but surely we'll get it done. Then, I promise to learn how to write without excessive run-on sentences.

Gasp! (Alternately Titled: Not About the Rental)

I can hear you all breathing a sigh of relief. No pictures of gross substances plastered to the wall today. No. Instead, I have to say that James apparently has a love interest. I was tucking him into bed last night and he said 'I miss Serena. She's nice. I love her.' Gasp! She is a cute little thing with curly blond hair, but hello! She is only 2! And James, you are only 3! Seriously, though, James is to the point now where he is starting to understand having friends, and playing with other kids. He often says he misses someone, most often the conglomerate 'NoahManda.' Just kind of threw me for a loop there when he professed his love for little Serena. Wait til her parents find out! Oh, the scandal!

Left Behind

• High School Diploma
• Family Pictures
• School Pictures
• Ultrasound Pictures
• Framed Kid Pictures
• Two pairs of Reeboks
• A tent
• A box of cookbooks
• A roasting pan with lid, new in the box
• A giant beach bag full o' stuff, like jewelry, soccer balls, clipboards, random stuff
• Loads of miscellaneous CRAP, like broken squirt guns, spare change, matchbox cars, nails, screws, dog poop (yes, inside), receipts, health insurance cards, etc.

The 'How the heck did they manage to do that' List of Damages

• Both the finials from our curtain rod are off, and somehow they managed to strip them both out.
• The upstairs bathroom door is broken on both sides.
  
• A human-sized hole in the wall upstairs
• Nail polish (a lot) on the new laminate floors upstairs
• Nail polish on the wall
• Gum on the floor
• Two dimes, in separate rooms, corroded to the floor
• Broken Snapple bottles and canning jars, literally all throughout the front and backyards
  
• A gaping hole in the fence, where they had leaned a baby gate up (apparently our neighbor fixed it multiple times, only to have the kids break it down immediately afterward)
• And, last but certainly not least, and one of my favorites: Pieces of a broken toilet scattered throughout the backyard (because really, if you were moving out the next day, the first thing you would do, instead of pack your junk and clean, would be to acquire a toilet somewhere, drag it into the backyard and break it into pieces. You would do that, right?)
  

James Commentary

What can I entertain myself with?

I can't find my light-up shoes!!! They are stashed away somewhere.

I love you so much Mommy. I think about you all the time and I dream of you at night. I don't want to come attached to you. I love you.

When is this stinkin' snow gonna melt??? And how long til yard sales?

I want you to buy me some jealous shoes. (jelly shoes)

You don't have a sense of humor, Katie.

James: Mom, sin rhymes with umbrella.

Me: Sin rhymes with umbrella?!?!

James: Sort of!

I don't want to look like a freak out in public. (at the thought of wearing his footie pajamas on his bike ride...which, incidentally, he did anyway)

This is gonna be brutal!! (riding his bike up a hill)

If anyone wants a napkin, just holler! (Napkins are Katie's job and she takes it very seriously)

Katie, you are such a napkin fanatic.

Yep, I am a napkin fanatic. You're exactly right!

We're going there when the house runs out of batteries. (translated: when the power goes out)

I'm big and strong, mighty as a man!!

I don't like cheese sticks because they are too cheesy.

Can I interest you in some crackers?

Let's have a tea party. I have all the materials.

I don't have testicles, I have ankles.

You will be so aprised!! (surprised)

I want to eat all of the chocolates without getting into trouble.

I was thinking we could snuggle with each-udder.

The problem is, Mom.....

That's what it says. It says 'weed my wips!!!'

Tuck me in as a sandwich, not as a burrito.

(The hair clippers) are nibbling into my skin.

I'm folding up my sweater to protect me from the raindrops that are falling on me. (She was inside)

I picked Booty and the Beast. That's all.

I am all out of buzzards. I have no more.

Me: James, what did the wise men bring to baby Jesus?

James: Gold and pheasants and perfume. (pheasants = frankincense)

Daddy, for halloween I am going to dress you up as a glue stick, and Tyler's gonna be a rhubarb plant.

Katie, when you grow up your beepers will turn into boobs.

You're brilliant, Mom!!!

Katie is so outrageous.

Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear. Fuzzy Wuzzy had no arms.

There's this really expensive toy I want to buy. Its at the Dollar Store.

My weft patella is hair-ting. My bones need a drink.

(to Katie): Do you ever run out of questions?

My right eye is hurting me. Mommy, which one is my right eye?

I'm more experienced than you. (to Katie)

Your father is a menace! (to Tyler, in the mall....much to the amusement of other shoppers)

Look, Mommy, I drew a rainboat! (rainbow)

I'm done with my attitude now.

(telling the Christmas story): And the angels came and talked to the Amish, and they were scared!

Mom, you forgot the high fructose corn buns.

(after I explained the various stages of education to him): I'm just gonna go to Kindergarten and College. I'm not going to do the rest.

Everyone is pretty weird except for my Grandma, Grandma Cheyney.

Mommy, I am not focusing. (while she was messing around when she was supposed to be eating)

Mom, when are you going to get a mullet?

I was going to say the word 'fart,' but I didn't.

I like Eric. He is right up my funny alley.

K: Mommy, James left his pee in the twa-let!!

Me: Well, its not a big deal.

K: But I do NOT want to pee on his pee!!

Katie, I am infinitely stronger than you.

Katie, lets go find your secret stash!

(after finding said stash of who-knows-what) Mommy, we found my secret mustache!

I'm playing so hard its not even funny.

Just for kicks, Jeffrey!

The fingernail moon is up!

Mom, Daddy is more funner than you. You are a little bit fun, but Daddy is a lot fun. (Gee, thanks! He also told me that Daddy's stories are better than mine)

Dear God, Thank you for (a whole list of things), and thank you that there's no skeletons in heaven, because everything there is beautiful and there is lots of gold stuff there too. Amen.

James: Why do teenagers wear those things on their teeth?

Me: What things?

James: The sparkles and the fishing string.

Me: Those are braces, James.

Wee-duce, we-cylce, can you say that with me? WEE-DUCE, WEEEEE-CYCLE! (talking to herself during naptime)

Absowootwee not! (to Tyler) Mom!! Tyler is fishing his hands in the twa-wet! (toilet)

Mommy, why do people always tell you that you have your hands full?

You're smooshing my arm-ankle! (shoulder)

Does Mommy have a shoulder? Does Daddy?

Me: Yes, everyone has shoulders.

Katie: Even God?!?

I'm gonna cover my eyes with this (blanket) so I don't have to look at the dark.

You're such a pickle fiend, Katie.

Yeah, and you are a pickle fiend because you always eat lots of pumpkins.

Wow, that is rank! (Speaking of Tyler's diaper)

When we're ready to junk our swing set, Daddy and I can use a saw to make a fireman's pole from it and put it in our tree so I can slide down.

I don't match your footies. I match my own footies.

We need to leave Tyler somewhere and go rent a boat. Its really expensive, like FOURTEEN dollars!! Whoa!!!

Do you like this, James?

No, I don't like it. Its pretty. Boys don't like pretty things, they like nasty things.

Now I am big, because I can carry a pumpkin!!!!

I hate this nice weather! Its not nice!

Katie: I want boobs and a bwa.

Me: (momentarily freaking out that she is already thinking about this stuff) Why?

Katie: So I can feed my babies.

I just put on my brake-is!!! (she was running and stopped suddenly)

Did you ever falled into the toilet and need a rescue squad?

These ants are crawling all over me. They think I am a play park.

I'm not dunna do it! Nev-air, ev-air, nev-AIR!!!!

I'm going on a business trip to see baby Mando!

Katie, you don't look respectable!

Noooooo! I don't want Daddy to go! He's gonna leave me hear with Mommy.

(after asking me a million questions and rambling on and on while in the car): I need to mind my own business!

Me: Katie, what do you want to be when you grow up?

Katie: (without skipping a beat) A mushroom!!!

I am ginormous-er than you, Katie, but I am still a little boy.

But I can't know that. (She always says can't instead of don't)

I will not do that, NEV-AIR!

While I was explaining the answer to his 239th question of the day: Mom, can you stop talking, I need a break. (That's exactly how I feel about the questions!)

Waking in the middle of the night, James walked out of his room and said: I haven't seen those possums in a long time, Mommy. Where are they?

My Popsicle is cold!!! I need you to warm it up.

These are for 'twafts' (crafts), not for playing ball! (Talking about the million little scraps of paper she cut up)

Do you want a piece of me? I don't think so!

My fingers are starting to melt, I am drawing so fast!!

You know those things that have the things on them?

If you smell my arm five times you will smell the donut holes I had.

Do they make walnuts into golf balls?

Katie, you be the rain, I'll be the thunder. (while jumping on our bed)

I'm dunna preee-tect you in tase you are scared of da' tund-air! (thunder)

I told you once. I told you a million times. Its that girl who smokes cigarettes in her driveway, all the time!

Can you sing me a song? That will make me feel better. I want Amazing Dwace.

I do not need to go potty. I went last week.

(Playing in the 'nest' they built out of tree branches): Katie, you sit here and hatch out some eggs. I'll go hunt for worms.

I'm hurting.

I'll go get Mama to fix you up!

I'm dunna come wif you, in tase I want a Mommy.

I don't like that, bee-tuz I hate that, bee-tuz I don't like that!

Did Tyler super-smirch himself? (He likes to use the word 'besmirch' when Tyler fills his diaper)

My cereal has too many holes in it! Too many stinkin' holes! (She was eating oatmeal, by the way)

Can we did a big, deep hole, fill it with water and make one of these? (A water wheel)

Mommy, um, I feel sea sick.

My coughs are all gone. They're in the trash.

Daddy, I need some wood. We need to build something.

Jeff: What do we need wood for?

I need to build legs for my horse, so I don't have to walk. (talking about his stick horse)

You got sour pweem on you, Chief! (To James)

Hey, Aunt Megan! Will you sing me a song?

They shouldn't have made all these stinkin' hills. (pushing his bike up yet another hill in our neighborhood)

(about Uncle Phil): He's my fav-wit animal!

Why do the pigs need those gutters?

Me: Gutters?

Yeah, what do they do with them?

(Then I realized he meant udders)

Mommy, people are different colors, and they talk different, and they are all different, and they even have different poops.

Mommy, you did a good job on this oatmeal. Its awfully good!

Mommy, this oatmeal is AWFUL!

No, Katie, its awfully GOOD! Say thank you to Mommy.

Thanks, Mommy!

(When Katie didn't want to eat her food) As Uncle Phil says, Katie, Its good and good for you.

Close your eyes and look at me!

When I get to heaven I'm gonna tell Jesus a joke. And I'll tell Grandpa a joke. Grandpa likes jokes!

(building blocks with Jeff) Katie, you can't help! Daddy and I are engineers. You aren't anything!

After meeting one of Grandma's neighbors, she said 'Goodbye, kids' and Katie, as she was walking away, turned back and yelled 'Peace!'

Wanna get smashed by a blueberry meteor?

I don't think so, Katie Grace!

Stop trying to be a snifflegun.

Mommy, Tyler is my sunshine.

Keep this paws off my paintbrush! (She always says 'this' instead of 'your')

You need to find something suitable for Katie to wear to church.

You are out of wuck!

No way Hosanna!! (Her take on 'No way, Jose!')

No, Katie, I don't want to share!

Sharing is caring, James!

Woo! How-ee bunch! (I think she meant whole bunch)

No offense to Katie but I do not like Katie's attitude today!

Mommy, you need to go to college.

I will share my tookie wif mines self. (I will share my cookie with myself)

I was upset be-tuz I had an ant on mines finger!

Mommy, when I grow up, I'm going to be a farmer, and a firefighter, and an airplane driver, and a missionary, and a pilot and a pirate, and a footprint explorer.

Mommy, I will save you!

Yeah, Katie, if anyone tries to get Mommy you beat 'em up!

I hate shorts. They look like human beans.

Mommy, when Tyler grows up are your boobs gonna fall off? (long pause) I'm just playing a joke on you. Joke's on Meg

an!!!

(in a very pathetic, but angry voice while in time-out): I'm NOT taking a time out; I'm just chillin'!

That jet needs to clean up his mess!! (seeing the jet's trail)

I'm too freshious! (precious)

(looking outside): I want the sun to come in a see me.

Ho-wee Mack-well!!! I want this one!

I'm going to let you eat the bugs that I catch....to gross you out!

James: I don't like girls with curly hair.

Me: So you don't like me?

James: No, the hair that goes like this! (Makes strange gestures)

Me: So, do you like Katie's kind of hair, or Mommy's kind of hair?

James: I'm not going to say.

I'm NOT watching wilderness a-din!!!!! Bee-tuz I want to watch Bob and Wa-wee!

Mommy, what’s wrong with you? You’re flying along like no one’s business!

Next time you’re in the boys’ bathroom you gotta check out the toilets they have in there! They look like sinks and you’re supposed to pee in them!!! It’s hilarious!

I don’t like caterpillars anymore bee-tuz they’re nasty.

Get that stinking bug out of our house!!

My preference for pooping is to go slow.

Were you bonkin' your honker? (he was asking me if I was honking my horn)

I was really quiet while you were in the shower. Why I was quiet was because my mouth didn't even talk.

I'm weawwy mad at you. (because she didn't want to each her lunch)

I just saw two pieces of geese!

I saw a dog out my window, and the surface of him was black with white spots on him.

Sing me 'When Mine Ears Fall Off' (the song: do your ears hang low, do they wobble to and fro...)

Both kids (singing): Somebody call 9-1-1, Shorty's on fire on the dance floor! (Jeff played this song for us once and a)it is incredible S-T-U-P-I-D, and b) that line really stuck with us

That dog scared the pants off me so I'm going to bark at him.

You like this belly button? I made it in the sewing room.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, eating her turds and pants.

Get this hands off mine baby brother! (while she was holding Tyler, and I was helping)

James: Mommy, Waldo is hanging out with three luscious babes. That's what Daddy calls them. (giggling)
Me: Oh, yeah? (laughing really hard) What are luscious babes?
James: They're the roommates, the kind of peoples that don't have any feet and swim under the water!
Me: (laughing really, really hard) Can you show me a picture of these roommates with no feet?
James: Yeah! (brings me a picture of MERMAIDS!)
Me: (I laughed so hard I cried:)

You gotta move. You're taking up my space.

A man's gotta have his beans.

Mommy, the battery ran out. (after hearing the washing machine stop spinning)

I dunna carry it under mine armpits.

I love you so much...I think you are the best person there is...Mommy, do you want to talk about the United States of America?

What in the world tarnation?

I have a present for you. You can't look at it. Its dangerous.

Katie, you can't play with those! They're choking hazards!
No, they're not choking hazards!!!

What are boobs called?
Me: Breasts
Hey, that rhymes with chicken breasts!!!

Stop (singing)! I'm on the phone! (puts her hand up to her ear)

Tyler, I made you a nuclear plant! (out of blocks)

(while getting dressed up as a farmer): I'm making myself handsome, Mommy!

I'm doing my ninja skeels. (skills)

Why you putting bomb on me? (udder balm)

Katie, you can't have those! They're choking hazards!

I'm using my ninja skills on this bad boy. (trying to slide the dresser across the floor)

Hoo, hoo, ha, ha, monkeys are my friends because they're always hilarious.

How 'bout you wear your jammies all day? Is that OK with yourself?

You gave me an awful lot of this.

Mama, did this (soy milk) come from a soy cow?

Remember that little unicul cord we couldn't touch when Tyler was a baby?

Its my nappas, its my nappas (while 'snapping' her little fingers)

I'm a farmer.
Me: What do you grow on your farm?
Treats!
I'm gonna grow air conditioners on my farm!

I'm hungry.
Me: Do you want a tangerine?
No.
Me: Do you want an apricot bar?
No. I want a rubber band. Can you get me one?

Daddy's behind is yucky. (I am pretty darn sure she meant stinky)

It's stinkin' cold outside.

Next time you need to get sticky cheese so it can stick to my burritos.

Mommy, (in time out for interrupting), I like talking in general.

And I was like 'crud!'

Want pokey spoon (fork)

Nose-stache! (Holding an orange segment below her nose)

I did it all by self!

When I was a little girl I used to shoot buzzards.

Humpty Dumpty was very breakable.

You're the greatest Mommy EVER! (Just melt my heart, why don't ya?)

B, L, E, Bible! (singing the B-I-B-L-E)

Katie: (giving Tyler lots of kisses)
Me: Can I have a kiss?
Katie: ONE!! (Pointing one little finger at me) Mmmmmmuah!
Me: Thank you!
Katie: One more! (again with the finger pointing) Mmmuah!
Me: Thanks! I love kisses.
Katie: One more! Mmmmmmmuah! (then points to me) No more kisses!!!!

'....and all that jazz.' (I can't remember the context, but he used this phrase correctly in a sentence)

Keep your grubby hands off me!

James: There was a mouse scratching at my window last night, and it woke me up.
Jeff: Did you let him in?
James: No, I didn't because mice poop all over the place. He was looking for cheese. Mices like pizza because it is cheese.

I'm scared 'cause there a rat bonking on my window. (It was raining)

Cock-a-doo-doo, cock-a-doo-doo!

Shake your booty, shake your booty, shake your booty....


Me: I love you, James!
James: I wuv you too.
Me: I love you very, very much!
James: Yeah, and I want a sling shot.

I want to be Goliath for Halloween. And I want to be Goliath with roller skates.

If Uncle Nate calls me Jimmy-Jammer again I am going to back off of him and go outside.

Katie, you're a motor skill.

I don't want them (Auntie Rach and Uncle Phil) to go to Texas. We're gonna get Texas gone so they can't go there anymore.

J: I don't like time-outs.
Me: Well, I don't know what to tell you.
J: Don't do it again! That's what you tell me.

Me: What's your name?
K: Pookey! (Her way of saying pokey)

I'm starting to nuzzle, because I can't find my stickers.

I keep my phone by my bed and sometimes my friends call and harass me when I'm sleeping.

I'm happily ever eating my orange!

I kept this feather for you so you so you can sew something with it.

Can birds fly after their feather falls off? (Yes) Oh, I didn't know that!

I don't like my buzzards. They stink.

You can shoot one of my pigs when I'm bigger, and I will take all the bones out of it and the eyeballs.

When I grow up I'm gonna be a missionary and a 'struction man and a farmer.

Oh sakes a-wive, I gotta go poop!

That was an old fashioned trick, Mom.

James did it. (How do they figure this out so young???)

Me: What does it smell like? (a pineapple)
James: It smells like itself! (looking at me like, duh, Mom)

Uncle Phil is my big sister. (long pause) No, he's my big ol' **fart noise** Uncle. He put Tyler on my head to shoot buzzards on my head.***hysterical giggles****

Con-Rachel, you are too smart for me.

Mommy, swacker starts with Texas.

Winkle, winkle star now

There was a fly and he laid down to take a rest and I just smacked him and he got dead!

You're the bestest wady I've ever seen!


Auntie Rach and Uncle Phil's car is real sturdy. Its in pretty decent shape. They have old fashioned windows like our air conditioning in our truck. (P&R have the kind of windows you actually have to roll down yourself, and we have no air in the truck so I tell him that our AC is when we roll down the windows)

Doot, doot! (calling Tyler 'dude')

Tyler sneezed and James put his hand on Tyler's head and said 'Bwess you, my son'

Daddy left his tools in my room. I was good. I didn't touch them. I didn't even poke my eye out with a screwdriver or an allen wrench!

I and me and you and Katie are gonna go upstairs.

I love you really much, Mama!

I don't want a story from a book, Mama. I want one from your mouth.

I gotta check what the weather is gonna be today.

Coconuts are nasty for me, Mama.

Me: Do you remember that Chappy used to be a pastor?
James: Yeah. Pastors take care of animals. They keep them together and give them grass. (He was thinking of 'pastures')

J: Mommy, why don't we eat at McDonalds?
Me: Because they serve junk food (insert lecture about junk food vs. healthy food here)
J: Are the peoples that work there mean?
Me: No, why?
J: Because they make junk food.
Me: No, they aren't mean. They just sell bad food.
J: I had mean dreams of those people who work there. That's why I get scared and come downstairs in the middle of the night.

J: Mommy, are you old?
Me: What do you think? Am I old?
J: No. You're not old. (thinking....) Chappy's old! And Grammy is old.

Can I look in my mammary box?

I wuv to fe-wo-ship wif my friends at church, Mom. Do you like to ship wif your friends, Katie?

You're a piece of work! (to Katie)

I'm as happy as a dork! (He was going for 'happy as a lark')

Katie, you're having ci-wantro for your birthday dinner!

No way! (Katie's new line...James taught her to say it)



(After dropping the phone while talking to Grammy): Grammy, did you feel like you were going down? Like me dropping the phone?

We used our mou-fiz to pick up our oatmeal.

(to Grammy): Thank you for washing my shirt; it smells like your washing machine.

Rats live in the woods and shoot bears............................just joking.

Mama, you're triffic!!! (terrific)

(to Grammy) You're agontizing me! (antagonizing)

I just got really, really, really, really, really, really (repeat infinitely) hungry.

When confronted about the handful of missing frosting on the cake in the fridge: I got really hungry (in a small, pleading voice) And when I asked when he got into it, he said 'when you went upstairs.' Funny how you don't have to teach them to be bad.

(while standing in the corner) I don't like corners. We need to throw them away.

I love chocolate squirrels.

Ducks have eyes on their beaks. (talking about their nostrils)

Webby has orange flip-flops!!

When I grow up I'm gonna be a farmer and I aren't gonna have chickens, cuz they fly away.

I was sitting with my feet on the coffee table, and James came up, slid a bucket under my legs and turned over another bucket to sit on. When asked what he was doing, he proudly announced 'I'm milking mommy!'

While reading 'Goodnight Moon,' Katie kept saying 'ban-a! ban-a!' When she pointed to the 'banana,' it was really a crescent moon in the window.

Who wet the pants out! Who wet the pants out! (Instead of who let the dogs out)

Stop instigating Tyler, Mommy! (Tyler was crying when I was changing his diaper)

We've had this 'scussion before, Maxwell! I told you! (talking to Maxwell the dog on his toy cell phone)

Looking at sweat beaded up on Jeff's face, Katie pointed and said 'raining! raining!'

I used to be Katie's age, and I used to be Tyler's age, and I used to be Daddy's age.

You're perfect! (to Tyler)

Jesus made poop. (pause) Can you make poop into seltzer water?

(To Jeff): Daddy, did you do drugs at work today?
(And when asked what drugs were, he replied 'Drugs are rugs!')

Me: James, you guys are so cute! I could just eat you and Katie right up!
James: (to Katie) When I am bigger, I will nibble you right up! I will put some jam on you, and lettuce, and eggs on my plate and I will eat you right up!

Does the squirrels give their nuts to people so they can grind them up into peanut butter?

I'm getting so old I can hardly climb the stairs.

James: Mommy, I need you to make me an umbrella.
Me: Well, that's beyond the scope of my expertise.
James: No, you can do it. All you need are some sticks, and a handle and some fabric.

(To Auntie Rachel): Who are you texting?

(TMI Alert!) While sitting on the pot: Did you hear that little talk? It was my poop talking.

Why do farmers paint their corn yellow?

You know what people do with biscuits? They put biscuit seeds in their gardens and grow biscuits!!

Dude, you're droppin' some pounds! (Where on earth did he hear that?!)

I scratched my eye with my foot.

My stomach is telling me 'hey, I'm hungry! I want some food!

Me: James, if we don't get home and eat soon, I am going to have to start gnawing on your arm.
James: (without skipping a beat) No, you can just eat Grammy's arm.

Look! Look! I just saw a redneck bird!! A redneck bird! (I think he saw a cardinal)

Daddy's going to have a heart-tack 'cuz you're wearing capris.

You forget I'm a ninja, Daddy.

Can you make me a smoovie? (smoothie)

See that, Mom? Its a water-squirter. It squirts me in the face. (pointing to my belly button)

I need to go outside so I can enjoy some fresh air. (the boy would live outside if he could)

Don't worry, Mommy. It'll show up some time. (when I was looking for something)

No. I looked it up on the email and the guy told me they don't bite. Its OK. (after I asked him not to play with a millipede since I wasn't sure if they would bite or not)

I used to have a rhubarb farm, for a long time when I was bigger.

(Yells from the bathroom): I'm droppin' a woad! (He did NOT hear that one from me, thank you very much!!!)

Mommy, make up your heckin' darn mind!!!!

Why do they have salad dishes on their roofs?

Rocks are tasty.

There are two Jesus's in my tummy. He catches the food.

Mommy, remember when you used to put eggs in hacky sacks? (huh?)

Mommy, look at this shirt, its two feet wong. (long)

At Erin's house, Maxwell wick-ed (licked) my hand, and he tickled me. He's a twever (clever) dog.

I like spiders. They're my friends. They are good to me. And bugs, and ants, and beetles.

Stopping abruptly after spinning in circles, James shrieked 'No, I don't want the house to spin!!!'

No!! (yelling at the weatherman on TV) I don't want you to make it cold!!!

Katie, I am going to the braf-room and I need pri-ree! (bathroom...privacy)

My swobber makes owies go away. (after kissing a bump on Katie's head...that he put there)

Look at those clouds. They are pretty. They are white. What's that blue stuff up there?

Hey, Cheepa! (slapping on my stomach) Are you sleeping? (turns to me) Cheepa's sleeping, Mom. Cheepa is a ninja.

Why do I have a birthmark? Did you glue it on?

I'm freecycling this.

I'm really smart because I look at spoons and forks.

I like peanuts. I like the peanut butter in them.

Look! I made my little self a tent!

Why is there wetness in my hair? (after taking a shower)

But how will I give our pwants a tiss? (Our seedlings are up high, and he apparently decided that a smootch was necessary)

Mommy, did you have an accident? (when I was changing pants)

Mommy, here you go. Here's some books you can't rip, o-kay? (as he hands me a stack of board books)

Mommy, are you sad be-tuz Daddy's not here? Its o-kay. Its not the end of the world. (for some reason he thought I was sad, he he always gets sad when Jeff leaves for work)

Mommy, I'm off to Harvard (What?! Where does he come up with this stuff!?)

Peanut butter seeds are really yummy to eat!

Thanks for offering, Tay-dee, but I don't need your help.

Mommy, I wuv Cheepa so much!

Put up your gukes! No, put up your boobs! (trying to say 'put up your dukes')

Don't see me, Mommy. (as he was preparing to do something he knew he should not do)

I like roast beef. Its what beavers eat.

I bonked my nubbin. (noggin)

After explaining to James that Katie was going to get a shot at the doctor's office, he looked at me, concerned, and asked 'Do the doctors have guns?'

Self, I am eating oatmeal, self. (then to me) What is self?

After discussing the components of the compost we bought today (manure, AKA poop), James asked me 'Do the horses poop right in the bag?'

James: Mommy, I want a black one, not a white one!
Me: A black what?
James: A microwave. I want a black one.
Me: Well, you better start saving your money.
James: No! You better start saving your money. For a micro-rator.

You're my snuddle-bunny, Mom.

You're tummy is really long, Mom. (How's that for a comment! Try explaining to a three year old that there's a human being crammed in there?!)

Watching Katie and I dancing: That's stan-dulous, Mom. (Sometimes when he passes the gas I tell him 'that was scandalous, James!)

Tay pooped. Tay has smooched herself. (besmirched)

Chwoc-wate chips go in took-ies. That's what this book says, Mom. (reading Nancy Drew intently)

Me: James, can you get me a washcloth?
James: No prwoblem, Megan! (just like Jeff)

That scared all of the jeepers out of me!!!

Hey! Its like snow you can eat! (mashed potatoes)

I need tozy (cozy). (bringing me his jammies)

(in a sad, longing voice): Mommy, I wish I was a tree trimmer. I would love if you got me tree trimmer tools, a pole, a chainsaw....

Mommy, milk comes from here (pointing at the udders on his toy cow), and cheese comes out the cow's mouth!

James: Where does cheese come from?
Me: From milk.
James: Where do peas grow? On a farm?
Me: Yep.
James: Where does pizza grow?

'Don't taze me, bro!' (Jeff often pretends to put James under arrest and says Don't taze me, bro! (use the taser) Apparently it caught on.)

Mommy, you know what you smell like? De-yishious!

Me: James, if you had a dog what would you name him?
James: Ummm, ummm, ummmmmmm....
Me: What would his name be, James?
James: Mommy, we'll think about this later.

Sometimes its hard to twop-er-ate! (cooperate)

James: (to a friend of ours) Read to me!!!
Friend: James, I don't know how to read.
James: (looking at him like 'of course you can read') You just say the words!

Mommy, is my mouth for eating and talking? (While doing both simultaneously)

Mommy, doggies like to ride on vacuum tweaners on their tarpet.

Me: What color is Uncle Phil's hair?
James: Gray
Me: Is Uncle Phil old?
James: Yeah.
Me: Is Uncle Phil old or is he really old?
James: He's really old.
(So maybe I led him into saying that Phil was old, but he came up with the gray hair thing all on his own. He also said that Chappy had purple hair, so I guess his opinion doesn't really count.)

Mommy, 'member dat yellow boon (balloon) we had? I didn't want Daddy to pop it, but he wasn't twoperating. (cooperating) He popped it. Dat's dis-spectful, Mommy. (that's disrespectful)

After having himself a good cry, James came to me and said 'My tears went away, Mommy.'

'Mom, we haven't watched this in years!'

'Mom, I'm dunna teep an eye on you.'

'Eggs are food, Dad.'

'No way, Jose!'

(Watching a blank TV screen) 'I'm watchin' your favorite movie, Marfa Stewart!'

'Speating of...' Yes, James began several of his sentences yesterday with 'speaking of...'

'I need to sing to Trust and Obey, and tell Tay a story, and say Dear Jesus and Amen!' (when I was putting Katie to bed)

(Looking at the cereal box): 'I didn't know bees made Cheerios.'

'Bye, Dad! And don't dit into trouble!' to Jeff as he left for work this morning.

'Cheepa (James' name for the baby) is dancing in your tummy, Mom. She is dancing in her green boots.'

'The forest is made out of wood.'

'Get your lap off of me, Mommy.' (trying to climb out of my lap)

James: Stop it, fire! No more! STOP IT, fire!!! (yelling to his oatmeal)
Me: James, that's steam, not fire.
James: Steam! Go away! Stop it!! No, steam!

James (singing Katie a bedtime song): Trust and obey, for there's no brudder way, and fewoship, and old McDonald had a farm, E-I, E-I, E-I, E-I, the end.

Me: James, is that an orange?
James: No, its a yemontine! (clementine)

James: Mommy, I did not pee! (overnight)
Me: But, James, you have pee in your diaper.
James: But that is just the pee that I peed!

Me: I think our washing machine is on the fritz.
James: How tan you dit the fritz out of there?

'Boobs are normal, Mom.' (ever so matter-of-factly)

'That zebra is Gi-mor-mous! I want one. It can live in our backyard and it will have a rope and I will name it Hashby.'

'There's a piece of hole in my pants! You need tape it shut, O-tay Mommy?! You need fitz it with some tape!'

'Tay's (Katie) sad tuz she's not bigger to play the mouse game.' (Mousetrap)

'Tan we took dis up and eat it for supper?' (Of the pinecone he found outside....can you say FIBER?!)

'Hey!' (picking up his coloring book) 'I found my tal-tu-lus book!"

'Mommy, I yike dis snowman. He's mines. He's not sharp. He's not fragile. He's mines.' (of one of my snowman decorations)

'Daddy tan take dis to da dry teaners on his way back from work.' (of his dirty shirt...we don't ever go to the dry cleaners...where does he come up with this stuff?!)

'I dunna twimb from branch to branch to branch to branch.'