Thursday, April 23, 2009

You had me at hell

How Not To Impress A Possible Landlord: A Primer

  • Make sure not to use any punctuation, capitalization, spell check, or proof-reading. See example below:
hell to whom it may concern, my name is ***** and i ran into your ad on craigslist about your 3 bedroom house for rent. i'm very familiar with the area and would like to schedule an appointment. my cell is *** thank you

  • When potential landlord calls you on the phone, answer it, tell them you can't talk right now, and that you'll call them right back. Then wait an hour or two before calling them back. Or don't call back at all.
  • When speaking with potential landlord, mention that you have to get out of your current place, like, yesterday or last week for that matter. You're potential landlord will never, ever put two and two together that you are getting evicted.
  • Mention to your potential landlord that you have to leave because the owner is getting foreclosed and 'there's a lot of other stuff going on.' No one will ever suspect that your landlord is getting foreclosed because you didn't pay your rent for the last 6 months.
  • Say 'my credit is not that great. I haven't actually checked it, but I know its bad. But my ex-spouse ruined my credit.' That excuse is so clever that everyone uses it!
  • Tell potential landlord that you always try to pay your bills on time. You might even throw in there that you've only ever bounced 62 checks in your lifetime.
  • Set up an appointment, then choose one of the following options: a) don't show, b) show up 37 minutes late, or c) change it to another day at the last minute because you're stuck working late at the candy factory and you don't know when you'll get out.
  • After changing your appointment to another day, call again at the last minute and thank the potential landlord for their 'hospitality,' and then say that you aren't coming because there is no way you'll ever get approved to rent another house.
Thus concludes our session, 'How Not to Impress a Possible Landlord.' I hope you have found it to be informative, and can use the information wisely. Thank you.

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