Sunday, September 08, 2013

Random Thoughts

The post title is oh, so catchy isn't it? Since I used the 'Miscellaneous Tidbits' number on the last one I had to get fancy. Ha!! First of all, here is my take on 'back to school' preparations:

 To prepare for back to school, you must first spend the summer coaxing your child to do lengthy math assignments and read books and jump through various hoops. (I should say that the reading required absolutely NO coaxing whatsoever. In fact, he has turned into a little me, asking for the flashlight so he can read in bed 'just a few more pages'.) After you coerce them into various educational activities (oh, the dreaded 'summer slide'!! your kid will lose 2 whole months of school if you don't!) then you must make sure they have suitable clothes to wear. This is a bigger problem than it may seem, because there is another version of the 'summer slide' in effect here. That is, the mother's downward slide of standards. For the last two months, the kids have been running around looking like they've been raised by wolves. Their clothes are stained, they are covered in mud/paint/pen/dirt/ketchup, and they haven't worn shoes except when absolutely necessary. They are bathed when absolutely necessary, also, which equates to about once a....well, I will not admit the frequency or lack thereof. This is the internet, afterall. So their summer clothes are obviously not presentable. They have also grown approximately 9 inches taller, or so it seems, rendering any of last year's school clothes useless. Unless floods and 3/4 length sleeves are the new trend. After procuring suitable clothing, one must tackle the school supply list. And by that I mean you must purchase all manner of cleaning supplies, tissues, sanitizer and a box of 8 Crayola crayons (not 12! not 6!) that have been imported from the tiny island of Madagascar and christened by Tibetan monks before being put on the shelf at Walmart. If you get the wrong kind, they will be sent home. (I was a rebel and didn't buy EXPO dry erase markers. I bought the store brand. I live on the edge.) After procuring the school supplies, you must carefully label everything with a Sharpie because, well, because they tell you to. You help your kid fit everything into their new backpack, Tetris-style, where you notice that the brand new backpack you bought has a small slit in it. Err! It is at the point that you remember that the shoes you bought for your kid have real, actual shoelaces. And you need to teach him how to tie them. You spend a while in purgatory, trying to explaining bunny ears and foxes and such. You mentally elevate your parents to sainthood for teaching you how to tie your shoes without killing you. And finally, mercifully, he gets it! He figures it out and proudly shows off his freshly tied laces! After packing the bags, you remember that you probably should convince certain individuals that a thick layer of dirt is not a badge of honor, nor is ketchup on your shirt. You give the kid a shower and make sure his knees are clean and confiscate the dirty clothes (no, you cannot wear those again! there is enough food on the front to feed a small village!) and send him freshly scrubbed to bed. You breath a sigh of relief and then still have to make the kid a lunch in the morning. What?! After all that work?! Preposterous! I'll tell you one thing. There will be no hand-carved owl made from three kinds of cheese, or anything resembling sushi. The kid will be lucky if I can conjure up an apple!

There was going to be a 'second of all' to this post, involving the various types of people who frequent the Jersey shore, but I will save that for tomorrow. If I make it til then...

1 comment:

Terry and Linda said...

You always make me laugh, or I cry with you, or I just plain sigh...because I do remember those days myself.