An Awkward, Hilarious, Befuddling Conversation

After dropping Katie off at school, Tyler and I headed to the Walmarts so I could soothe my self esteem regarding my running pants/leggings/tights/spandex issues. Just kidding. I actually had to get stuff but I did see some rumps that made me remember it could be much worse. All that, however, is beside the point. My little sidekick decided to pepper me with questions on the drive there, and it quickly turned dicey. I will try my best to reconstruct it for you. My inner monologue is in italics. 

Tyler: I was born in Colorado, right?

Me: No, you were born in New Jersey....in the ghetto, son, I birthed you in the ghetto.

Tyler: Where is New Jersey?

Me: Over the river, on the way to the farm.

Tyler: But then where were you when I was born? 

Me: I was there, because you were in my belly and then when you were born you came out of my belly. Oh, crap! This is not heading in a good direction.

Tyler: But how did I get out of your belly?

Me: Uh....there is a kind of a door, or an opening that babies come out of. What kind of explanation is that? A door? Hey, Bob, show 'em what's behind door number one!

Tyler: Where is the door? 

Me: Uh, well, its not really a door, more like an opening that moms have to get their babies out. It is by my legs. Huh? 

Tyler: When I came out of the bottom of your feet was it bloody?

Me: Uh, yes, and no. I mean, you didn't come out of the bottom of my feet. Santa dropped you off! It was simple! Easy! Less explaining!

Tyler: Then where did I come from?

Me: Inquisitiveness is overrated!!! Sort of at the bottom of my belly, top of my legs. Stop asking me questions!

Tyler: Oh. Was it bloody? Did the door have to stretch a lot? 

Me: What the heck, man! Where are you getting these questions??? OK, maybe you did watch a horse being born on some show recently...apparently you were paying attention. Well, sort of, and yes. It hurts to have a baby but then you came and I was so happy.

Tyler: And then your belly got small.

Me: Yes. Mostly.

Tyler: Is the door still there?

Me: Yes. 

Tyler: Why is it still there? Is it still stretched out?

Me: Is it naptime yet?? Yes, it is still there, but it is not big. This kid is too smart for his own good!

Tyler: So its stays there in case you have another baby? I would crawl back in the door and be your baby again if you want.

Me: No!!! That is not possible.

Tyler: When I was in your belly, how did I see through your blood?

Me: When is it ever going to end? You had your eyes closed, but you weren't in blood.

Tyler: I didn't eat in your belly did I? 

Me: You had a hose called an umbilical cord attached to your belly button that gave you food from me.

Tyler: To my belly button? And how did I grow a belly button from the bilical cord?

Me: That's just how God designed it. The cord dries up and falls off and then you are left with a belly button.

Tyler: How did I grow two belly buttons?

Me: You didn't. You only have one.

Tyler: Hey, is that Alaska?

Me: What? 

Tyler: Is that Alaska over there?

Me: No, that's the landfill. 

Wherein I breathed a sigh of relief that we had reached the Walmart parking lot and turned to new realms of conversation. I don't think I could have carried on much longer with that conversation! I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.